Caged

Manners, or is it just me???

2006-05-18T17:37:00.000-04:00

Do people have manners anymore? In or out of this lifestyle, do people realise that manners are important??? That commen (wish i could bold that) courtesy, is not only to be nice to someone, but that it shows self respect!!!

i'm frustrated with people in this day and age that have forgotten how important it is. Do you know how many books are out there on this subject?? Parents should teach their children to have manners. What is so hard with a Please or a Thank-you once in a while? What is hard holding the door a little longer so that the mother (or father) pushing a carriage can go through the door? How about offering a seat up to that pregnant woman who is having a hard time walking?

You know what, all this would make the other person smile a little and have a moment that Courtesy is still alive! Is it though? Push and shove, everyone always in a rush to get one place to another not realising where their head is.

Trying to get off the metro i have to shove my way through people because they NEED to get on.. more room if we are able to get off first, eh?? Think a little... n'est pas???

What is wrong about giving someone.. a stranger some manners? Do you know that you can make that much of a difference in someone's life if you just take the time? I have learned in the last year (or so) that the little things always count.

i'll share this story with you, a mother from my child's school has sent me a note recently... she's was SURPRISED at how my child was so 'kind, well mannered' she even asked how did i go about it to teach it to them.

WOW!!

i mean i know how important i try to instill it in my children, they are not able to get anything without a please (don't bother asking a second time). i ended up calling the mother and having a chat with her.. am proud of my child! Now i wish this will stay with that child as they grow up.

ok.. i'm tired of complaining all my frustrations...

By the way, it isn't only about 'young ones' that are around... i know alot of ELDERS that do the same thing, have lost all their respect with themselves....

~confusion~

2006-05-16T19:30:00.000-04:00

For those of Y/you who might think/assume about me... please look elsewhere

This is for You (SO) for i am not sure where the path brings U/us. You might have more faith than i do at this time... Ok, not might, for a fact You have more faith. i feel as though i am looking up at You waiting for that moment to happen (as it had before). Throughout the time W/we have gotten to know each O/other, You were always calm and patient. When i talked with You on the phone, You took lead and made sure i was taking care of myself (even though i didn't belong to You). You also made sure that i kept up with my studies, and were concerned how sick i got before an exam.

i've come over my fear of my exams, although i still get that feeling of quiziness, my heart still beats faster.. it is life. (i have an exam tomorrow, it is a timed exam ... not something i'm use too!).

SO, You told me that i have always showed respect to You and to O/others around me. i hope that i do, i do not mean to offend people, although i am sure it does happen. i am far from perfect, and i continue to improve myself (slowly).

Yes, i'm confused.. especially about You! You've done a complete turn around with me. You were always distant when W/we talked on the phone. W/we were friends, (point taken since i couldn't beat that wall You had up). Now You come back into my life, with a goal. A huge goal.

W/we will me, and then W/we will see what happens next. i wont hold my breath, i do not know if i am what You are looking for. i would like to spend time with You to see if W/we are comfy with each O/other.

One step at a time, just like You said in the last email that You sent to me. It is very important that W/we take O/our time....

Are You happy SO? Is this what You really want? i'll sit here by the water tossing stones in the water to see if something in me will settle for a while.

Am i ready for all this?

~pondering~

Oh baby, Baby...!

2006-05-15T23:08:00.000-04:00

Two reasons why i choose to title this blog "Oh baby, Baby!"

First, i had a dream the other night that i was pregnant. Not something that will happen again. In the dream realm, when one is pregnant, it means a change, or/and a birth of something. This should be taken in a positive way, but i do have to say that dream made me very uneasy. Was strange, because those that know me also know that i have been pregnant before.

Will be able to give Y/you an upto date if there is one later on.

Now, my second reason for name this the way i did. Tonight i cried like a baby. Y/you see, i watched Grey's Anatomy, a show i tend to watch when i am able too. Thankfully it wasn't on last night, so that i didn't miss this episode (which i think is the seasons finally). Anyhow, (hopefully someone watched it too)...

There was a transplant for a heart (i wont get into all the details) however before this patient went into surgery he had asked this girl to marry him. Of course she didn't answer at first, then when he woke up after surgery (and he reminded her of how he felt) she ran off. Scared... (i know that feeling)... in the end she came back and said she would marry him.

All nice, nice... right? Noooo! *sighs* Does he not die from something!!! *wipes the tear*....

The same episode, they had to put down the dog for having cancer (that was reaching his brain at this stage)...

So yes, tonight i cried like a lil baby. Was not even trying to hide the tears, they just kept coming down. Now i feel i can breath, that something inside of me that has been bugging me has been let go.

ok, this blog might not be all that open, but i am trying to allow myself to share my feelings with others. i've kept them inside of me for far too long it seems.

i'm emotional... seems i am not the only one out there feeling like this.

Spring and everything that goes with it

2006-05-10T18:29:00.000-04:00

Allergie season.. wooHoo. i know that i haven't written in sometime, actually 'Sir' surprised me the other day by leaving a post in the last post that i did. Honestly i didn't think it has taken me all this time to post again.

Many things have changed, many things are still the same. Has been a very odd past couple of months. In Feburary i hit my 30s, a friend sang Happy Birthday to me in the middle of St Lawrence street, and got a bunch of guys to hold a candle as she sung. Was funny. No one in my life ever did something like that for or even to me. Yes i blushed, but in the end we had a wonderful time.

In the past couple of days i have read a few Ffriends blogs and was surprised with things going on. Certain people i am not really close too but they do still matter to me, even though i stayed away for a while. It's amazing how people find strength, it is also amazing how many people are dealing with a few 'things' in life all at the same time. i have always learned from my friends and i shall continue to do so.

Now something really interesting came to my attention today, geeze i didn't realise how i loved to read a certain Sswitchs blog!!!! Yes CLoud you made me laugh a little... of course my lil evil mind had started thinking about fingers and such. Oh, and rowing machines they are grrrreat!!

Well an update, i have had this Friend, online and Dominant .. Wwe drifted apart for several months, now all of a sudden He's come back into my life (in a VERY different way). i'm not holding my breath (well not into breath play...).. He would like to meet me (face to face) and see where things might go. For the past 2 weeks i keep looking over my shoulder and wonder if it is truly me He is talking with (too). i have many questions, although the more i ask Him questions the more questions appear in my mind.

Doubt!!!

That is my biggest problem. i doubt everything and anything. As 'my wifey pooh' would say.. Yeah riiiiite!! i'm taking this slowly, whatever happens will happen. i am definately in no rush. The selling of the house/renovations is getting there.. (should be painting again by next weekend). i'm finally putting my life back on track and now this happens.

i'm just confused. lol... when aren't i??

i wish Y/you all a wonderful evening. *hugs to F/friends* i've missed Y/you!!!

*hugs CLoud*.... am happy to be reading your blogs again

Sir and morningstar.. All the best to Y/you both!!! Y/you deserve it !!!!

ling... we have got to get in contact sometime, if that's ok???

and whomever reads this... be good~

A Brand New Year....

2006-01-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

A Brand New Year with so many things to thank for.....

Happy New Year to all my F/friends

Well with Christmas gone, and the New Year starting yesterday.. I am sure that W/we all have something to be happy about.

This was one of the hardest times of the year for me.. for my family and my precious angels...and yet we held each others hands to get through it. It was a time when my mother and i did Not (finally) fight during the holiday seasons. There was a special wreath put at the cemetary.. and a card from each young one.

i wish A/all of you good health, or at least stable enough to be comfortable. ...

Y/you're in my thoughts.. and my heart....

A Better Future

2005-12-20T19:30:00.000-05:00

Each day i learn new things, not only do i learn them i TRY to put them into effect. It does not always happen although i do try.

example: my exercises.. It is important to me not only physically but mentally too, to do them.

A long time ago i was taught not to assume. It took me a long time to understand this one. Til this day there are times i still do so. Partly because i go with my intuition, partly because i am human.

All in all this past year i have choosen to do things because they will better my future. i have gone to the lawyers to make sure i am protecting my right as a mother, ... i have started back to school as Y/you all know, which will give me more choices out in the job market. i have stepped down from "having" to do everything for everyone and have learned to say no. i have learned not to let the gossping mill pull me in, instead i have walked away.. .and life is clearer.

i have learned to stand up for myself. This is still a work in progress, however when something doesn't fit right, it will be known. i have learned that i continue to grow each day, that i will not be perfect and i am happy.

There was a great deal of saddness and yet as a family we stuck together, in the end making our ties that much stronger.

i have come to trust a wonderful Man, who i am truly (and will always be truly) grateful for His evil ways. He has a nack of watching until the wind falls upon my skin before saying anything. Not many people will ever understand me, nor will ever try, and yet He knows me (more then i know myself at times). That's ok too *smiles*

CLoud, i'd like to say thank You for helping me better myself. For helping me see something that i was fighting so hard to go against. ahh.. You were so right... Your words last year... "within a year you will be stronger"....*blushes* Of course i did not believe this, and was fighting it all the way, and yet i am stronger. Slowly that strength grows.

Aye, a better future in the works.

this is for Smith

2005-12-20T19:17:00.000-05:00

Who is Smith? He was the first person in my life to truly understand me. Actually i was scared of so many things back then when i first met him.

Why am i talking about him after all this time? Because he needs (not really him) clarification of...the past.

Smith was the first dominant in my life who helped me understand little things in life. He helped me learn, understand and accept certain things about my desires. Was he my Master? Nope, never. Would i have liked to be his slave? yes. There was a comfort there that til this day i do not understand. Smith was my dominant, he accepted the things i willingly gave to him.

i'm sorry IF i misunderstood a question from someone along the way, but this IS what we were.

Out of respect for Smith, i needed to get this off my chest.

Thank you

The Joys of Life

2005-12-20T00:23:00.000-05:00

Hi A/all

It is past midnight and thought i would write something. Went to see a movie with my friend tonight (Aeon Flux) and thought ain't life interesting.

So there i was sitting quietly watching the flick (actually watching the way the camera moved with the actress) and from the corner of my eye i noticed a girl who was sitting an ailes down disappeared. She didn't really disappear, she was giving the guy who she was with a blow job.

The voyeur in me took interest in the action. It's not every day that i get to go out and see this kind of stuff. Let's just say i was close enough to hear the guys breathing change. The short intake of breaths when he forced her haid down, the little noises she made as she was bobbing her head. All very interesting. It made me smile when she made a gagging noise.

*sighs* it has been way to long! *laughs* But it was a treat to remember what happens between two people in times like these. The joys of life are interesting. There is something always happening, the only thing is you have to catch it in the process.

So now i bid Y/you all farwell for this evening.

i will not do anything about my frustrations, there is something in me that has been holding back. *shrugs*.... is it the masochist in me, or the Sadist....*lol* probably the side that just doesn't want to make a decision.

So i'll go on with my heated frustrations yet another day....

i should have made a comment tonight to the couple, eh?

Friends

2005-12-18T01:01:00.000-05:00

Today i've been pondering friendships and how they mean to me. Each person has their own place in my heart, some have touched me deeper then others, yet they all (you all) have a special place.

So why is it so hard to let some people in? i've had people call me cold, some people call me stuck up. Though who they see and who i am seem to be two very different people. i've (slowly) come to see that why i am extremely shy, there's this wall that goes up to protect myself. i do not do this on purpose, though when i do notice it i have started to learn to take that wall down and not feel so intimidated with everything.

i have to say, i smile now more then ever when i go out. And tonight, i did something totally different then what i use to do. You see, when i go dancing, i would hardly ever smile unless i have just told someone to back off. (i tend to get a little protective of my friends and strangers groping them).. Anyhow, tonight a friend (female) and i went out to a local club and while we were dancing i was smiling. i was truly happy. i did have one bad thought, which i MADE sure i changed right away. There was this guy looking at me. First i thought he really isn't looking at me, why would he. Then i thought, he's looking at my chest (was wearing a low v-neck top)...all of a sudden, i remembered the last few times i really looked at myself in the mirror, i AM pretty (in my own way). So i smiled and thought hey, he just Might think i am attractive. (that or he's looking at my breasts). *shrugs* no matter what i did get to correct myself, and i did not shake off that thought, i stuck with it.

i am proud of myself. i am slowly changing the way i think about myself!! i am not as down on myself as i use to be. After a year of doing this mirror thing (off and on) it is slowly starting to improve the way i think. Thank You CLoud once again for helping me. *smiles softly* Tonight i wish i could give You a hug for helping me believe differently then before.

...

Now going back to friends/friendship, i am grateful that certain people have come into my life recently. (Recently as in over the past year). i have come to see that there is more to life then taking care of other people (and no i am not complaining that i have done it... and i will continue to do it, just differently then before). i've also come to put 'me' on a list of priorities (ok so i still forget i'm on there somewhere *grins*...i am improving on that too). i have learned a great deal, and it is because of the friends, and friendships that i have made. Y/you each are valuable to me, and are truly wonderful/special people.

...

Before my father passed away, he told me to value my friends. Especially to let them know at times how important they are to me. i do try to do that in little ways without sounding corny, or sappy. *laughs softly* but those who 'really' know me, know that i can be wierd about it. (since i don't like a certain type of attention).

ok, i believe i have said enough.
To ling, thank you for being you and for sharing with me all that you have. you have taught me so many things in a short period of time.

To Sir and morningstar, Y/you have both welcomed me to Y/your munches with open arms and helped me feel comfortable from the first moment i arrived. Y/you have both been there for me after my father passed away, and i appreciate everything... thank Y/you.

To CLoud, well what can i say *grins* You are one who kicks me in the butt when i need it (even when i pretend i don't). You've helped me through thick and thin and have helped me when i was lost and confused. You are evil (which i love) especially when You've got me watching every one of my words. You've helped me see another side of life that i was missing. Thank You CLoud. *hugs*

To kes, (who has not posted to my blog)...you wonderful, caring woman... you will always be a sister to me. And i miss you!!!

*bows low* thank Y/you all!!!

May all of Y/you have an amazing Christmas... and my Y/your New Year be filled with Health, Happiness and friendship!

Mirror... behind

2005-12-16T18:32:00.000-05:00

Last week i took the time to look in the mirror. i know i have to do this more often, and i have to appreciate all that i've got..all that i am. What is beautiful? Is it something that you see or is it something that you feel? Who judges what and who is beautiful?

i can remember being around a group of vanilla's and most were sitting there critizing what others were wearing, and the what knots of life as if any of this is truly important. i sat there for a time, not really listening and yet things didn't feel right. i excused myself and went to the washroom, when i returned they were still at it.. more judgements. Why? What's the point to it all. Don't they judge themselves in this way? So of course the lil domme boots (just the expression) came on, and i asked, "are you happy with the way you look tonight?" It wasn't directed to one individual, it was to all. They sat there for a time just staring, as if i didn't fit in. They are right, i don't fit in to a group like this.

No matter what/who we are, we are what we are. So why not appreciate the person in front of us, including ourselves when we look into the mirror. No, i am no where near the sexiest woman (named for this year..) Kate Moss. I am no Cindy Crawford, or whomever is the up and coming model. No i don't have the long legs up to my ears.

What i do have is hips. i've mentioned this before. i have wide hips that have helped me carry my two beautiful children those child bearing years. Hips are great to hold onto. They are beautiful and help me have an hourglass figure. I might have that perfect hourglass figure however i do have hips that sway from side to side when i am walking down the hallway. There are so many things that a person can do with their hips. They just have to take the time to learn how to do it properly.

Which brings me to something else. i've always loved the expression "more to love"... i have love handles, (though i wonder who started to call them that, and why?). When i am bent down on the floor there is something to hold onto to keep me steady or to help me move...no matter what is the reason, it is a handle none the less.

Am i strange to apprecate these things that i have, NO! *smiles* i am beauituful in my own way. i have to remind myself when i lose sight of it. i am beautiful because i know who i am, i know what my goals are. i know that i have a kind heart and i try my best to sucessed in the things that matter to me.

You see, i have pale skin, so whether in candle light, in the moonlight, in the sunlight or limelight, my skin is pale. The slightest touch will make my skin tingle. The marks of a strap will show even with one swing. It might not be red, but it will be there.

It is one of my fears, that people would laugh at me, as those at the table i was at was laughing at others....i will face my fear one day, and i will prove that there is nothing to laugh about. Sure, i will make mistakes and the teasing giggles from others will embarrass me, but this is not the same. Facing my fears, and knowing my fears takes me one step closer to believing that i am beautiful, even with my faults.

After all beautiful is found in the eye of the beholder....

Imagine

2005-12-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

Those of Y/you who will take a peek at this blog might wonder if the title has something to do with John Lennon's song, mostly it doesn't, however in this world things always seem to happen as a coinsidence.

i was looking back at the image in the window during the metro ride and the first thought that popped into my mind is, imagine if i was beautiful. i enjoy watching and seeing how people/strangers interact with others in close quarters as these. Would someone by chance take a second look at me, would i notice or would i be off in my own little world thinking of whatever at the moment enters my mind.

There is this one woman who is always looking at herself either fixing her hair or pulling back her skin... and man as i watch i personally think she is beautiful. There is something soft and stunning about her, something mysterious that i would love to seek out. And yet i just watch her almost every morning, ... not once has she looked at anyone else, not once has she smiled... when watching her face... especially her eyes, there is much sadness there.

Now this is where i imagine, that one day she looks at me and i smile.. perhaps she smiles back in return. i imagine oh so many other things that i would like to discover about this woman. And yet i stay quietly to myself just observing.

Can Y/you imagine a world like it was in the 50s where everyone would at least say hi to eachother as they pass them on the street. It seems that our world now a days have become cold, and the lack of trust. What would happen if some stranger would say hi to Y/you just like that, would Y/you nod and continue or would Y/you say hi as well.

Yes, imagine what a simple smile could do for those we do not know... and with those that we do, they will come to learn that they are important.

these are just a few things that i think about when i am on the metro in the early morning ....

The babygirl in me...

2005-11-23T13:23:00.000-05:00

~off of school once again taking care of myself~

i often tried to deny myself of the fact that part of me is a babygirl. When i first started researching this lifestyle i read a great deal about DaddyDoms and babygirls. (Actually i read a great deal about lots of subjects). There was a tug in me and i had to put that feeling in a box. After all this time of taking care of other people, it was my duty, my job.. why would i want anyone to take care of me? i am a grown woman with children.

Anyhow, i do not see myself as wearing a diaper, not that kind of babygirl. But yes i can see myself dressing up in the school girl attire with pigtails and being comforted... talked too...and learning about so much at the same time. This has nothing to do with my father/daughter relationship i had with my dad, this is totally different. i had a great relationship with my father, and will always hold him near and dear to my heart.

So why am i talking about this, well i am able to blog and not just write in my journal book that i have put aside for the days that i am not able to blog.

i use to be ashamed that i had these hidden feelings within me, slowly i have accepted them. i fear many things, although i face a great deal alone (Not all). Sometimes i wish, whole heartedly crave that hand holding mine as i take another step forward. i need that security blanket. Does this make me weak, perhaps to some, but it takes a great deal of strength to admit it.. especially openly.

i know i am sitting here blushing at the fact that i am sharing this. i will go laydown naked and drift off to sleep of the thoughts i have put forth...

Flurries

2005-11-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

Something is in the air, something different. Perhaps a little cooler, perhaps a little more defined. Who really knows? i walked over to a friends house tonight to write in the blog. i do not like to use my friend for her computer but at this time it is the best i can do.

Frustrated, that is what i am, and have been for the past couple of months. Is this a good thing, perhaps, perhaps not. All i know is that i have to find a way to relax and not worry so much about things that are not in my control. Hmm.. control, how does one give it to another when there are so many things in life that we can not control. Mother nature holds things near and dear to Her it seems. She likes to keep us all on our toes... nothing back with that most times, but getting cramps is never a good thing.

In the end i have choosen to take a road that has brought me to where i am today. Many more turns and twists along the way, lets just hope that the 'i' doesn't get tunnel vision anymore.

Life is interesting, is it not?

Now i go for a walk in the darkness... sweet dreams

Shredded Wheat

2005-11-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

The mind does wonders sometimes...

i read CLoud's blog from yesterday and well it hit home for many reasons. Why is it that people.... *stops*...Let me re-phrase that, why is it that i listen to people and don't always hear what they say? Yes, i am admitting that i do do it. It takes me a long time to believe the positives / compliments that people tell me, though it only takes only once to digest the negitive. (And then i harp on it).

Here's something, ... i do not believe that i am saying this in an open forum... *shaking head* i do not do well when left alone. Not necessarily being secluded, just left alone without being able to communicate with someone. i let past experiences judge what is happening in the current... i assume things. *sighs*

Wasn't i taugh, and retaught to never Every assume anything? Wasn't i taught to ask before making up my mind on something this way i have all the facts? Sadly so i put myself in a situation again. i wonder if a good spanking would have helped me focus and feel all the good.

This past Sunday i heard a story, one that i heard before, this time it clicked. Thank you morningstar. It made me realise so many things. Sometimes the things that are right in front of me i will not be able to see until someone points it out. Sure, i might feel silly right then and there, in the end there is a great outcome to it though. The lightbulb went on, the big "Oh" (not that kind of Oh... *shaking her head to those that enjoy switching my words*)

**************************

CLoud asked in the post of my last blog, is it pup or is it current... i'm not sure how to answer that yet. There are questions and things that i need to settle before W/we know that answer.

i say this as the tears come down, i did not ever want to be a yoyo, it isn't fair to CLoud or to anyone else. Am i ashamed, yes. ....

ah, the mind does odd things at times

Ahhhh The Mirror

2005-11-21T02:32:00.000-05:00

Like a little girl i fidget and reconsider going to the mirror, i strilp slow mumbling to myself ....

And then,

i do it, i stand in front of the mirror with nothing on. i sway from one foot to the other not really looking at myself. It.. has started once again. Even though i hadn't looked in the mirror last week, the doubts came back. The fear came back tonight. i still have that feeling with me.. that feeling of being naked in front of strangers.

Why am i thinking about this now, ,well easy enough, it was brought up to me tonight. i made the comment that i wanted to cut my hair, and the come back response was that if i cut my hair, i would have nothing to hide my body with. *sighs*

my toenails are bare, as well as my finger nails. i no longer paint them that deep crimson color. At least they match...

Ok, now back to my task at hand. i have to look at myself, not even look at myself but accept who and what i am. One thing that i do not believe i have ever talked about are my cheeks. No..not those cheeks.... but my cheeks. i blush very easily lately. A taste of the forbidden fruit, shall W/we say. i am blushing looking at myself tonight. nice and soft pink cheeks. Oh how some people like to take advantage of it when someone is blushing. And yet it is very stimulating, arousing, exotic...it makes me feel good. Yes, i like my cheeks when i blush, i may not have cheek bones that show off apple cheeks, they are what they are... i've accepted it tonight.

Belly buttons, every play with them? No, i do not mean picking out the lint... *thinks eww*...There is something soft, and fun about circling the other of ones belly button. sensitive area.... just a tad. Makes me wonder what things people can do to ones belly button, not something i have given much thought about. ... Well there are belly shots (as in pouring a shot then drinking it)...thinks that make one go... hmmmmm..

Last thing, i LOVE my hands. They are soft, they like to feel things... sensitive, they then to express the way i feel. i may at times talk with my hands.....*like i did tonight*.....i love to give massages, although i doubt if i can give a long one anymore, a little out of practise. So many things *thinks about a certain paddle... just to hold how heavy it is*... *grins*

Time to get to bed.

Bonne Soiree a V/vous Tous....

Tonight

2005-11-21T01:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a very Very interesting night.

For the first time since June i went to the munch. It has been a Long time that i hadn't seen many people, and it was nice to see Sir and morningstar again. Thank Y/you to both of Y/you for continuing the munches. There was a great turn out and many new comers (i still consider myself to be a new comer). Of course the Doms were at it again to tease and make the submissive ones blush. All in all it was great fun.

It was wonderful to see CLoud again too. i have to say that i L O V E that shirt one Him *grins* even though he seems to be very evil every time he wears it. There is something about Him that always makes me smile, and yes even my heart warms when seeing Him. It was odd, i was extremely nervous and shy around Him tonight. To tell the truth, i didn't know if i would be accepted or not. i know what has been said was that W/we would always be friends but i have also learned that people sometimes do not say what they mean/feel. Please forgive me CLoud for having doubts, i shouldn't have, although i was letting past experiences beat me.

CLoud and i talked for a while, yes... He made me blush more then once, although i didn't need a towel this time around like i did the first time i had met Him at a munch. *laughs* There are somethings that a girl should keep private in her 'kinks' until she trusts someone well enough, CLoud has earned every right to know the truth, and to know certain desires that i have. Well tonight He was teasing me about one, and knowingly making me squirm a little.

There was a comment that i never mailed the goals of which i had set out for myself. Well it is about time that i write them, not for anyone but for me to focus and try to achieve them.

1) Personally my first goal was to keep my children safe, i have done that. (and no i am not trying to say that their father is a beast, he isn't at all....)

2) my second goal was to pass my courses, however back in August CLoud challenged me to be in the top 2, i will keep that goal and do my best.

3) Getting in shape, at first (even though i wasn't admitting this) i thought in shape was a number, now it is being physically fit, not ending up being all breathless with three quick steps, but being able to play volleyball the way i use to. Although it was suggested that i reach 155lbs by end of August....W/we shall see

4) Having patience with myself, not doubting my abilities. This is a constant goal, most importantly it is a learning experience.

5) Being divorced in the year 2006. (and all that entails)

6) Being consistant... including facing the mirror every week

That's about it for now. So far i have reached one goal, and that was to get settled into a routine with my children. It has taken some time but things are working out really well. Even though there will be a change in the near future, though i wont hold my breath...

Hmm... let's see. *putting thinking cap on*

i was told tonight that i should blog more, and i am still thinking of a way that i can do so (quickly at school)... will continue working on that part. Sad part is i have a hard time going to the library with the children, one is great, the other is still very active, especially since this child only see's me for about 2 hours a day (before bed time).
Will work more on it.

Tonight i also said that i will start up the exercises again. my health is important, and i have to put 'me' as a priority. i know i was doing that with me going to school and all, but it was a Huge change for me in many ways and took a LOT longer to settle in then i had imagined so.

Ok, this is REALLY difficult writing about 'me' ... i sound so full of myself it seems. Nothing seems/feels right, is it just me?

Reality as bitten hard recently. The confusion of what i dream/fantazise/want and what society deems appropriate is frustrating.

i have no clue which i am more scared of, to stay the way i am, or to take the step and change things for what i desire.

All in time...

Ol' Measurements

2005-11-21T01:29:00.000-05:00

Date Nov 1, 2005
(i know i am posting this late, however i am posting it)

Neck: 35.6
R. Bicep: 32.5
L. Bicep: 34
Shoulders: 107.6
Chest: 99
Chest/breast: 112.2
waist: 110
pelvic: 122
R. Thigh: 64
L. Thigh: 66.8
R Calf: 40.2
L Calf: 40.2

Weight: 195

(better late then never)

Thank You CLoud

2005-11-04T05:39:00.000-05:00

Dear CLoud,

i would like the take the time to thank You for the honor of allowing me to serve You even if it was for a brief time.

CLoud and to all O/others, i could have posted my thoughts and feelings before this, however i choose to do so privately with CLoud, for W/we had things to discuss when i asked for release.

CLoud is and always will be a wonderful and sometimes evil *smiles softly* Friend. It was a pleasure in serving You, it was an honor (as i have said before) and no matter what happens in the future, there is a part of You that will always be with me. W/we all take a little bit of a person with U/us for they have paved our future.

my wish is for in the years to come, there will be one moment in time that even from across the room, that You CLoud will smile and know that You helped mold me into a better person and submissive.

i know that i have a long way to go, i also know that my time is needed elsewhere (children and/or school). And yes i did feel lost though now i know what i have choosen. This does not mean that my goal to lose weight is out the window, or that i will not keep the focus of making sure i am one of the top in my class. *smiles* i will even post (and i am a little behind on it) my monthly measurements (even though i still have a hard time sharing that info).

Thank You CLoud for all that You have done in the past, thank You for understanding.

*does a low curtsy... then a kiss on CLoud's cheek*

as ling would say.... until next time

Days passing by

2005-10-28T15:08:00.000-04:00

Today is a hard day. Yes, i know i am not starting on a positive note. It was my dads birthday yestuerday, and i course i took the position i needed to, i was strong for all, ... i did what i needed to, to get the day passed.

Tan lines, i know i have mentioned them before,today i was wearing a white tank top and noticed my tan lines again. Not very pleasing to the eye, are they? Am i the only one out there with this view point? i enjoy many many things about the human body, but why oh why do we find negitive points? More at hand, why do i? Do i judge other people? No, i don't judge people the way i've heard others do. No need to, i believe and have seen that W/we judge ourselves far more then anyone else could.

So... going back to a Lifestyle relationship, whether it is a full time life in,a part time or anything else inbetween, does a submissive learn to Not judge onself and Only follow what the dominant person says? Does this take time to break the old habit, does it truly ever work?

i enjoy sitting back and watching relationships form, i like to take the time to learn while watching. Yes, i am found often in the shadows where not many ever take notice of me, yet always watching and growing.

i have to take responsibility of the choices that i have made, there are different wants and needs that i have to live with. More and more i doubt myself with everything, though this is out of fear that i am doing the right thing. Of course it would be so much easier to fall at someone's feet and just do as they say with no other thought. i admit this. However this is Not me, and never has been. i have a mind and i use it often, i use it to grow and to take chances.

Yes i'm scared, though do i hide myself? i haven't, as much as i cannot write everyday i do not hide. i have faced so many things while being alone here, and helping my children grow. i amnot only responsible for myself but for them as well. Many many choices have been made,,many many things have changed...

The good news....

Remember that exam i was panicking over the other day? Well here's the news... my exam mark is 100%. Technacally i was not allowed to see it but my teacher showed it to me. *does a little curtsey* i broke down after i saw it, and the teacher wasn't all too sure what to do with me. Is this truly me? i haven't found my passion as of yet, but i am sure enjoying the ride to it all.

i would also like to take the time to tell ling how happy any proud i am of her. she is not a person i have known for long but in the silent moments she has taught me a few things. Thank you ling. you have much inner strength that many could only wish for, never stop believing in yourself, .. i for one am loving watching you grow and find your way.

Tuesday is coming up, W/we shall see what happens then too...

have a great weekend for T/those that happen to read this...

Chilly night in the mirror

2005-10-23T22:38:00.000-04:00

Tonight is the mirror night, so i tried something different, i needed to do something different tonight. i made sure to be in a place where i was all alone for more then a few minutes to do this task. Actually in total i went well over half an hour in doing so.

Ever stare at something for so long it brings you to another place, this is what happened to me, in one way it was my intension in another i wasn't looking for this at all.

Most times i either use candle light or i use the normal overhead light. Tonight i used a spot light that was right behind me, so depending how i moved i was able to see different things in the mirror ahead of me. Most was in the shadows which is something that i wanted. Was i trying to hide something, no, not this time.

No matter what as humans we tend to look at thigns from one angle, so doing this changes the ball game a little. There was no saying of mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all. *smiles*

Tonight my hair glowed in the reflection that was looking back at me, it wasn't a golden tone but one that was like a dark fire, one that not many would ever see. The length of hair that i have now ... well it is starting to touch the small of my back. i do' not really look at it on a daily basis because the layers do not make it seem that it is truly that long. i was amazed tonight that it is at the length it is at. i love my hair. i was told not that long ago that long hair is good for bondage play when entertwining hair and rope. i love the color contrast of that thought too, of white rope against my dark brown. my hair is good for so many things, however it keeps me warm like a blanket would wrap me from shoulders to back. my hair is soft and well managed, it is not straight nor is it curly, ... most of all it has a mind of its own.

As i staired in the mirror and searched for something different, i let the mind wonder for a time as i slowly caressed my skin. This is a great way for me to calm my mind, my thoughts, even the rate of my heart beat. Slowly things came down, the weight that i have been feeling on my shoulders slipping away. Lost in thoughts yet no where specific to go. As much as i enjoy touching/caressing my skin, i also k now that i am not allowed to play with myself. This does not mean that i do not get wet ...

Here is something that i enjoy, i Truly enjoy about myself... and that is my pulse, the way my heart beats, the way the blood flows through ones body. That is what i was concentrating on tonight. Is it something anyone can see, no, however if Y/you were to watch my neck Y/you would be able to see the pulse, whether slow or fast. The same with the pressure point in ones wrists. Can Y/you feel it, see it? i love it, and i can go on and on of the way it flows everywhere. It is something to meditate on, and that is what happened to me while i was stairing at, and drifting to. What a wonderful feeling to remember how powerful one's beat/pulse is. How amazing the body works and how one, like myself should appreciate the 'little' things in ones body a whole lot more.

Tonight i have learned something new, and i am very grateful for that.

Thank You CLoud

The beast

2005-10-20T21:08:00.000-04:00

Who is the Beast?
Is It You or is it me?
Who is the Beast, who watches in the mirror?
i hear the growl from behind...
Is it You or is it me?
You may bring me to the edge,
but it is not You who pushes me,
You leave that up to me,
Is it truly You, or is it me who decides?
Will i take the leap without that hand?
Will i turn back as i fall to watch You?
Who becomes the beast?
Does the beast live within?
Does the beast love to watch the struggle?
Does the beast feel the pain?
The anguish?
Hear the cries?
Hear the pleases?
Will the beast reach out at the last moment?
Am i the beast?
Are You the beast?
Is there an 'i' in all this?
The beast grows strength..
The beast loves the journey,
Listen quietly
....
oh so quietly in the darkness.
Tonight i hear the beast.

"She"

2005-10-20T21:03:00.000-04:00

She sees what no others can see,
She walks in the night with light upon her skin
She grows in the darkness and finds strength in the tears
There is laughter in the backgrown,
Though it is not hers,
She loves to hear those cries of the birds,
She dwells upon a river, oh Why, she asks.
There are no answers upon the flesh
And yet there are many anwers on the path.
What will she do next, we wait in the shadows to see.
There are no more calls of "Mother may i"
There is no more sadness in the air.
What becomes of her...
We shall wait and see...

Who judges success?

2005-10-20T02:03:00.000-04:00

Today, and even this past week ( yes i know that this week isn't over yet) has been a stressful time. So i was sitting after my exam thinking, who judges success? How do W/we judge success? i believe that many of U/us will not have the exact same answer.

Did i do well on my exams this week? As best as i could. Come to find out how the marks are done.... this was not good! If i got one mistake, the whole 5 or 10 marks were a gonner. *sighs*

i have hope though, i did get a few mistakes, then again i had blanked out too. Got to love tests, right?

*smiles*
How do most subissives do with tests? Maybe i shouldn't group people all together and that isn't what i mean by my question. i am just the type of person who doesn't do well on 'knowing' i have a test before hand. Even the word test sends my mind in a tail spin.

i will say that my teacher gave us an exam yesterday without any notice. i believe i did quite well with it. At the end i thanked her for not warning us about it, she smiled and said, "that is exactly why i didn't tell you."

i feel as though i have been through the ringer, twice and i am back again. Something good comes out of it all, i am still alive and moving forward even though i am not sure i am on the right path.

Success, yes i have succeeded in many things this past week and i will continue to do so. i MUST do so. Even though i am worried about the resutls (which i will get in a few days) i am also happy with what i have done.

To me... success is not the end resutls that counts but the journey, the hills and mountains that i have along the way that shows me that i can do it. W/we all have ups and downs, and in the end there is always something that goes up after a battle of struggling. Success can be for an instant or can last for a while, all a person has to do is believe in themselves and continue on their journey. i know i am... still taking those small steps to better myself.

i have to get up in 3 hours so i must be off...

To CLoud, You are missed, and i am grateful for everything You have taught me, and the goals that You are helping me to reach.

To ling, *hugs* hang in there, happy belated birthday to you!!! Sorry i missed it and i am happy you enjoyed yourself. Remember i am here if you need anything.

To Sir and littleone, i'm sorry i missed the munch (didn't realise it was last weekend) i hope that Y/you are both well, and i hope to be able to catch up with Y/you soon.

Realities of the Naked truth

2005-10-17T20:53:00.000-04:00

i see a little girl before me, naked, scared, lonely

Last night and tonight that Is what i see. There is beauty in fear, have Y/you seen it? Do Y/you know what it is like to enjoy that moment of being on the line before one drops off?? Will she drop, will the landing be flat?

"Nope" as a friend would say... all in all there is a soft landing, even with the hellish things that happen along the way.

i still see a girl in front of the mirror, she is little, not in size, but in the way she looks at herself. she does not see what is truly there, although along the way (will almost be a full year within a few months) she has started to enjoy what she sees. There is more then the outer parts of a body. a finger is a finger, but is it ONLY a finger, NO! It cannot be, a finger can be a soft touch, a finger can make one feel so many different emotions. my fingers are a wonderful thing. my fingers can touch in a way that no other can. i do not say this in an egotistical way, but if Y/you wish to experience something different Y/you will. i am sure that many can feel different things from different people, and that is the wonderful thing to it all. It is pleasure, it can bring pain.. in the end the result is what is needed, and it will happen.

i licked my lips as i watched the little 'me' that was staring right back at me. moist soft lips, light rosey/mocha lips. i know the feeling of ecstacy, tingly sensations when my lips comes in contact with.... well with different things.

Do Y/you lick Y/your lips before Y/you kiss someone? Do Y/you lick Y/your lips when Y/you are watching someone from across the room that Y/you are attracted too without truly realising that Y/you are doing it at the time?

i do lick my lips, and i enjoy doing so, lips do feel: can give pleasure, will give pleasure to the right person.
Yes, yes, i love my lips.

The realities of the Naked truth may hurt at times, then again who's judging here? Only i for the moment that i look into the mirror, then again i also know that CLoud is just over my shoulder looking to...

Yes i remember Your eyes CLoud, and how they love to watch....

oh me, oh my...

2005-10-17T20:19:00.000-04:00

Oh me, oh my! The more the days the go, the more i feel as though i am left alone in a world that is full of chaos. Then again i have made choices that i WILL be sticking with in the end there is no other choice. Do i have someOne out there on my side, yes, that i do. Though i honestly never thought it would be this intense for this length of time. *lil smile*

Now i feel as though i should apologies one more time for not being able to post as much as i would have liked. i am truly sorry that i do not keep an upto date with every day, i am working hard to find a way to be able to blog (computer and internet hookup). i have possibly found a way, though i will only know an answer in a few weeks. So now i stay on the sidelines for the most part, doing the best that i can with my homework and studies... two exams this week (Wednesday).

So life is grand, and busy, and, and and.. always ands....

Does it ever stop, even for one brief moment?

In the end i am still waiting for results from one doctor, i am waiting to hear when the surgery will be done by the other doctor....

all in all what is stress, right? *sighs softly*

i'm a day late on the mirror, which i will post after i get this post out.

A friend of mine and i were talking about changes in life, and where it brings each and ever one of U/us along the way.

Change is LIFE...
if W/we do not change, life becomes dull, dreams become in the past, and well, if W/we do not change, do W/we slowly die?

Change is scarey! Yet there is an intense reality with change, a time to let go of the known and find life of the unknown. If W/we are lucky W/we are holding someone else's hand along the way to share O/our time with, a friend, a lover, a Dominant, a Sadist, a family member, no matter what, there is someone out there always watching... this always happens when W/we are not looking.

Why oh why do i keep myself back when it comes to change? Do i need that little push? i have to let go of that fear of the unknown and drop all of my insecurities!!!! Am i down on myself, no, it is a reality of it all. Facing the mirror does say it all. ....

Here's to what goes up...

2005-10-12T21:54:00.000-04:00

Ever get the feeling when Y/you are on a roller coaster, just as it locks Y/you in, and it starts to move, upwards.. that feeling of... "Oh please let me get off... N O W!" *laughs softly at self*

Yes, as Y/you can see i have a hard time with roller coasters, friends of mine played a nasty little trick on me (the ones that a Dom or two out there would LOVE).

Lately that is how i feel with going back to school and with everything else going on in my life. Life is grand, and i will not let anyone Ever take that away from me, not even my lil evil self that tries to discourage me at times. i am human and i have bad habits, but the thing is, i'm in for the go and i will hold on tight to the bars of this roller coaster until it stops and even when it stops Y/you'll still find me holding on. Each new step brings me to a different turn. Don't W/we all go through it?!?!?! It was my choice to go back to school, i could have found a job, though i wanted, no, correction Needed to do better for myself, for my children and for my future. *smiles*

i have to thank CLoud for being there, even though there is little communication between CLoud and i, i still follow some important rules that CLoud had put forth a while ago. Not everything is easy, actually nothing is.

Once again there is a problem with my knee (water is building up again). i will get through this also.

i have re-started working on my crunches/ sit ups because i would like for this stomach to have more muscles. There is no way of harming my knee in doing this and i should not have gone off track with it all, although for a time i thought everything was too overwhelming... and i had become exhausted quickly.

i have to say that i am very grateful for my friend allowing me to use her computer for tonight, i have a LOT of work to catch up on, and in school they no longer allow students to work in the computer room on their lunches *sighs*

i hope all is well with T/those i consider friends.. i know i haven't been around for a while, and i am afraid to say that it will probably a while longer until i can get my footing on properly. Just know that i am hanging in there, with the good and bad news from doctors and i hope that each and every O/one of Y/you are doing well. Miss Y/you

In the books

2005-10-12T06:23:00.000-04:00

i've been in the books for 9 hours now, so i thought a little break before going to school would be a good thing to put my mind at ease.

Life is always interesting, even when i am down and think that i no longer fit anywhere. So, what do i do, i remind myself that an Aquarien is eccentric, aren't W/we? *smiles* All Y/you would have to do is picture a girl, in heels, wearing a buisness suit, with a black/red lace corset underneath that jacket. Place a thick black leather collar around her neck,stretch her arms up/wrists together, with little tears running down her cheecks.... *sighs softly*

So many things can be done, eh? *grins* 'eh' is not a word i use often although i do at times, it just seems to fit somehow.

Well this one is going to run, take a quick shower, hopefully get the hair dry before heading out the door.

i hope that Y/you are all well....

miss You CLoud...

Last nights mirror

2005-10-10T13:25:00.000-04:00

There is always a candle light nearby to give different reflections while i am looking at myself in the mirror. Even though i am not able to blog/post anything every single day i am able to still do it in the privacy of a room.

Yes, i am having a harder time finding things lately, although i do stand there until i see something pleasing to my eye. Is it me who will be looking at myself or is it another that makes me doubt everything? This is not a time to be negitive but be productive and consintrate on the positive things ahead.

i start with my toes (a habit of mine to look down at my feet). my toe nails are painted in a dark red, crimson like, it makes me smile when i walk down the street in my flip flops (not that i can do this today, it is cold out) but knowing that the toenails are painted brings that smile upon my face. A little task of painting them, can mean so much.

Here's a thing that many of Y/you who read this doesn't know about me, i do not like to have anyone touch my feet, however my toes are not the same thing. They like the feeling of a soft finger tip running over them, and i give special attention in the shower to give my toes a soft massage. Yes, i like my toes.

Most things that i have written in the past of the blog is looking in front of me this time i turned around and looked at myself over my shoulder. If someone were to stand or walk behind me this is what they would see, not something i pay perticular attention too. Now i have too, i have to learn about my own body. Was it all pleasing? Well i do have to work on it some more...

So i bent and touch the wall in front of me, looked between my legs at my buttox. Wow, its big! Then again it gives whoever is behind me something 'more' to swat, smack, wack. There are so many differnt feelings that a buttox can feel, so many things that i would like to experience one day.

One day a time... *smiles softly*

That was me looking in the mirror

The Underground World, not Y/yours but mine...

2005-10-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

Chaos,
Swirling once again
Nothing is easy to capture,
Nothing is understood.
There is always someone who needs Y/you
Someone always taking an inch more.

What may be there at present isn't good enough in another moment
Chaos
Please help me.

i have finally learned one valuable lesson
my feelings are my choice, not for the person who's walking by
Why oh why do i give so easily knowing i will be harmed in the end??
When does this chaos stop?
When i choose? Should i choose?

The world is dark, and is getting darker with every breath i take
There is anger
There is sadness
There is even hate.

Time to change once again Y/you might think.
Perhaps,
Though old habits die hard
i am tired of all this. O/one might think it is easier to run away
i might have in the past, although i find a way to stick around
Have to see whatever it is through.

It is a world of being alone
knowing there is a shield, if only i could reach it.
i have been bruised, that will NOT happen again.
Now i must do something with the hurt that is building
So today i shall paint

and maybe it will all finally be poured out of me

What about some Zzz's

2005-10-05T07:54:00.000-04:00

And here i stand typing this as i am in the middle of a sneezing fit. So what happened to the zzz's that i am suppose to get every single day? Where did they go and when can i get them back. i am sure my immune system is taking a beating with everything that is going around. One thing i have to make sure is to take better care of myself. It is extremely easy to go back to the old ways of putting the 'me' last on the list, and yet who will do everything i do if i get sick? i'll probably just have to do it as well along with everything else in between.

The children have been ill (both taking their turns of course) and now it seems as though it is mommy's turn. Just last night i was laying down trying to fall asleep when i thought, "i wish i had a 'Daddy' to take care of me." No, (for those that do not understand this lifestyle it has nothing to do with petifiles). Anyhow, i use to not like the thought of someone taking care of me, and yet lately i wonder how much more stubborn i would be if someone tried. *smiles softly* Looking out after and taking care of someone is two different things.

i believe that i am scared to let my guard down even for one brief moment, the what if's come attacking just before i do. Is it so bad to let ones guard down? Is it the fear of falling apart and not knowing if anyone will be around to be there, or is it the fear of the unknown?

It has been a long Long time that CLoud and i haven't spent time together, i know and understand that my schooling should and does come first, in many ways it has to so that i can prove to myself that i CAN do this and that i AM strong enough for all this.

So why is it that i am finding myself more alone then ever before? Why is it that i have put the 'me' away once again and haven't continued to strive to put 'me' back on the list?

i 'know' i am hurting myself in the end, one day i will see this, though i do not want to hurt those around me, including CLoud.

Will some Zzz's help me get back on focus for the things that are important?

.... W/we shall see

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

2005-10-03T00:56:00.000-04:00

Spinning, whirling, time flies by, where is the next moment going to take me

All thing slowing down as i am infront of the mirror, stillness comes from somewhere deep within, slow growing out and overtaking what once was. A deep sigh of relief and time to cleanse ones thoughts.

my eyes have changed colors recently, or it might be the fact that i am not wearing my glasses when i am looking at myself in the mirror. There is a hint of yellow in my eyes, mysterious someone told me recently. i love my eyes, they are expressive, and they will tell anyone when i am lying (no, it isn't something that i do) however white lies do happen, when things are suppose to be a secret for a upcoming surprise. my eyes can change from more brown, to green. They state which mood and mode i will be in for that day. i am not sure if anyone has ever really taken an interest in my eyes and the way they change colors/hues. So many things can be said by looking into someone's... a very good thing no matter which way O/one looks at it.

Tonight seems to be a struggle to get what i am suppose to do done, and yet i know it must be done. Taking a deep breath and reminding / remembering something that CLoud said to me the last time W/we were together, yes stillness does come back sometimes harder to grasp then other times.

Searching on my body for a place i have yet to discover and share of why i like it.. i find an interest at the small of my back, always a sensitive area for most P/people. It is a place that someone should take care of, and if others are around, they too will take care of it. It is an important part of ones body, have Y/you ever been gently kissed there when it hurts so bad, there is a little rush of pleasure in the delight of it all. Yes i like the small of my back. i am often found giving myself a massage there when things are a little hectic (seems to be the norm in my life more and more).

i have done my two that i am suppose to do, i find it difficult to do more, perhaps in time i will appreciate something that is so valuable and important... that something, or should i say someone, is me!

*smiles softly*... easier said then done, and yet i am on my way there.

Thank You CLoud

l a t e!!! measurements

2005-10-03T00:49:00.000-04:00

Measurements

Date 11/8/05 1/9/05 2/10/05
Measurements (cm)
Neck 36 36.2 35.7
R. Bicep 36 34.5 32.5
L. Bicep 36.3 35 34.5
Shoulders 110.5 107.9 108
Chest 102.5 101.5 99.7
Chest/breasts 113.4 112 112
waist (belly button) 112.4 113 111
pelvic 124 124.4 121
hips 117 123 123
R. Thigh 68.5 67 64
L. Thigh 68.4 68 67
R. Calf 40 41 40.4
L. Calf 39.8 40.8 40.5

Weight (lbs) 203 200 198

With the doctor telling me that i wasn't allowed to overwork my knee, which meant i wasn't doing the exercises, i must say not bad at all... the best thing is i am eating differently then in the past years.

Off to do another blog

Sleepless nights

2005-10-01T03:40:00.000-04:00

The days seem to never end, even with the stars shining so brightly in the sky. The wind has finally slowed down a great deal, although it was cold out it was also a great night for a walk. i took the 'advice' and went out with a friend of mine (remind me as much as i love hanging around with her, that i shouldn't go out with her 'friends'). So we ended up in a club with being groped and poked which ever way one is turned, if it isn't one person doing something it is another person. In a different context this could have been so different but then again my 'bitch' side did come out. i now have this little bruise on my left upper arm because some guy thought he was the boss of me. *sighs* poor little soul of his, has no idea what just happened after that. i was still kind while i removed his hand from me. *Growls* i growl now just thinking about it, who says he had any permission to touch me in such manner.

am glad that the night is over with, it has been one hectic week. There is no reason to look back and be sad, most things came out better then i hoped, which is a plus. The other things well just need to take the time to list the pros and cons. The doctor would like me to do something and i have yet to figure out if i should or not. *shrugs* It wasn't the right time to ask about certain things dealing with the lifestyle and would it affect me if i did anything later on. i had support with me just in case there was going to be bad news. In the end it was good news. i am truly blessed and happy.

There is a lot going on, i have about 40 pages to do so that i am caught up with everything (not that anyone else is caught up though, ) the only reason why i am doing it is that i LOVE the subject and i seem not to be able to get enough of it. Now if only i could retain all that i read and do. That is why repetition is best.

Once again it is a sleepless night, this time it has nothing to do with nightmares... i detest though.

i have a question that i would like to put out to T/those that read this blog, what do Y/you think about safewords? Can they be used at any time? Including punishments? What about during intercourse (sometimes W/we have things happen at weird times)?

i'm thinking of putting the question out in a group that i belong to, because there are so many different responses to this question.. personally i haven't found a reason to budge with how i feel about it. i am always looking for different points of views though.

Sorry for not being around, i no longer have a computer, and the laptop that i use once in a while is if i can get my hands on it ( like now).

Have a wonderful weekend.. i will write again since i have a LOT of work to do on the net as well.

The eye of the beholder

2005-09-25T19:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight it is my eyes looking back and seeing, not anyone elses. No reason to judge oneself badly, the world is made up with enough people that will do that for us. Tonight is a night to see without rose colored glasses and baring all. Is it possible for anyone to do that at one given time. Long ago i would have said no, now, my outlook is different and that answer is yes, there is a truth that can be told without holding something back in fear of what others think.

i have stretch marks, there are many out there who would look down upon them and here i am pleased that i have given birth to two very beautiful and wonderful children. (Of course W/we all know that there are days that children do not behave, but hey, it keeps us parents on O/our toes). i have said this before and i will say it again, i am proud of my children, with all the laughter, love, and the way we share things is truly a gift in itself. They keep teaching me new things everyday and most of all they have taught me how to have more patience then ever before. Have Y/you ever taken the time to run Y/your finger softly on the stretch mark of a pregnant mother, or one who has gone through childbirth. They feel different then the ones that people have that haven't goen through it. There is a mystique about it all, a little wonder in itself.. i already said that.

Tonight i am going to also admire my shoulders. my posture has improved in the last couple of months, although i do have some ways to go. If Y/you look at my shoulders they are soft, and tanned (someone mentioned that to me today). Shoulds are a great thing, they carry a lot of weight with the every day stresses that we endure, they are there when friends need to lean on them, and it is a part of me. my shoulders are sensitive, with the littliest of breath upon them i will get chills down my spine. Yes, i believe shoulders are a wonderful things, mine, Y/yours... E/everyones.

i must get back to my studies and my homework, it seems that myhead spins at times with doing it all and i am getting confused with the information, but hey.. i WILL get through it, its just one step at a time is all.

Thank You CLoud

...today...

2005-09-25T09:49:00.000-04:00

It is almost 10am here and i have been up for 4 hours now trying to memorise a cruise ship. Not something to hard and yet the minor details all count for the upcoming exam.

Not to long ago CLoud and i were together having a coffee when the topic of tests came up. i have a hard time when it comes to tests. i have no idea why i panic, for most of the my fears have no relivancy to what is at hand. Yes at times i do blank out when staring at a question. Now a days i just move on until i am finished everything else and i return to the question. If nothing comes to mind then i take an estimated guess, at least i put something down. Before i would never go on, i would wait and try to force myself to come up with something, which makes everything elses worse.

i've been learning a lot about things to come in the tourism industry, most people would think because the internet is out there that the travel agents are having a hard time. Well they have to open their minds to new things and start working at a different angle. Yes it is true that airlines no longer give commission to agents for selling tickets, why should they when it is only a click away, however think about it. Not all airlines consolidate what is left, thus where things like Expedia and other sites come in.

No matter what i do not want to become a travel agent, as much as the FAM trips are there and i can see the world in that way, it isn't my thing. Step by step i am seeing where i want to go and what i want to do. Now number one thing i have to do is overcome my shyness in front of people. *grins at the thoughts going through CLoud's mind*

i must learn that i cannot please everyone, especially when being in front of a group of people. If i know my product well, how can i go wrong?" Things are changing everyday, thus there is always something more to learn.

W/we shall see what holds in the future (i've been saying that a lot lately)

Must run, have a lunch appointment that i have to finish planning out, and of course more studying to do too.

nights turning into days

2005-09-24T08:34:00.000-04:00

There is a whirl wind of what is what right now around me, days are turning into nights and nights into days.

i know i have wanted to keep this blog about the lifestyle and my growth within it, and in many ways it saddens me that there is part of it on hold right now because i have put my studying as a priority. Is there a way to mix the two, possibly, but it wouldn't be fair that i do not give my all to both.

Right now i am on a 'sabatical' so to speak, however i am not keeping away. i no longer have a computer connection as i use to, although i borrow a friend of mines computer to get blogs out.. and thoughts.

i'll be honest and say that i did not expect this course that i am taking to take up so much time in my life. i did not expect that there were so many quizzes, tests, exams and orals. Each couple of weeks we are onto a new subject. i knew it was an intense course (which is a great thing). Though all my focus has become this course, well that and running around to every doctor at this time.

There are people from school who invited me to go out with them, as much as i would enjoy the time out, and time to let loose, i can't. i have way to much to learn. Since 5am this morning i was looking at a workbook that i have, the teacher that is teaching us right now is new (and first time teaching this course), well... he's not giving us everything that we need to know for the exam. Yes it is his choice on what will be the exam but as for the workbook, he hasn't given us too much on what is on it.

Things are becoming frustrating, perhaps this course shouldn't be only a 12 month course but a 14-16 month course. There is no way we can learn all this geography that we need to. *shrugs* i know i can do it, i HAVE to do it, and i will do it. Period! There is no other choice, so next week i will find a way to get together with a few people and study with them. It is a good way to learn about things i have no clue about.

Onto another subject...

Last night i tried calling a Friend, it has been a while since i have spoken to Him. (and He doesn't like talking on the phone....*smiles*) Anyways, He was sleeping at the time that i called Him (ok perhaps taking a nap would be a better way of saying it). So i chatted with His roommate. my first time doing so, and boy can His roommate chat! *laughs* It's a good way to learn about someone else is by speaking to their other friends. It was fun and it helped me relax. A great thing.

Well off to write an email...
Have a wonderful day

TGIF

2005-09-23T07:57:00.000-04:00

Thank God it's Friday!!!

With blood tests this morning, all in all it is a beautiful spring day. This upcoming weekend i have a lot to do with catching up on Geography of the world, no matter what it is fun. (At least i think so).

i'll be studying a cruise ship for the upcoming days, and by Tuesday it is the big exam. This one i am not nervous about, i 'know' the things i need to and i am studying the things i'm missing.

Now with Rita coming up the Gulf Coast, i am worried about a few of my friends, i've left them messages to let them know they are thought of, though i also know they are not staying at their homes. *hugs to them*

Tonight i have to go to a memorial (after i see the doctor at 5pm) though what is weird is that i'll be the only one there out of the family since many have moved away and the others could not be bothered. It is a Catholic service at a local church, haven't been there in sometime.

Guess i am babbling because i am a little nervous for this blood test. Each time i hear the same thing (they always wonder if i will pass out on them, and to date i have not). i just do not like needles, period.

CLoud, last night i did look for You on messanger for a brief moment, maybe one day W/we'll be able to catch up. Hope all is well with You... You are thought of often, especially those hands of Yours.

Sir left a comment on my blog which i have to address.... *smiles*.. If it were that type of 'oral' course the guys in the class would be thrilled since there is only 5 guys to 25 ladies.

... did i just open up a whole new line of thoughts???

ling, i haven't told you how proud i am of you that you did the open mic night! Wish i could give you a hug, i am happy to be here 'watching' you take those steps to a whole new world just waiting for you.

Have a great day...

oh!

2005-09-21T17:35:00.000-04:00

i just walked in with the children and first thought that came to mind was, "oh my!!! i forgot to blog"

This morning i left at 6am. i had an exam to get to for a little past 7am. All went well though, even though i missed out on some hours of sleep. Now i have this headache that has attacked me since 2pm.Guess it will be an early night for me.

Since Thursday i have been to the hospital once and the clinic three times, i am tired of seeing doctors, imagine, i have an appointment Friday!!! Guess that's life when things are moving forward

i have to share that i did Great with my oral in school. i was extremely nervous, and i ALMOST (but stopped myself ) from nibbling my lower lip in the middle of it all.

i know that everyone saw how nervous i was, but that's ok because most of us were nervous... tis life.

wont be around tonight, have another Geography project to catch up with.

Thinking of You CLoud...

*hugs for ling..* thinking of Y/you both

Time to get back on track

2005-09-20T05:47:00.000-04:00

It has been a hectic two weeks, and i am hoping that everything will slow down a little so that i can get back on track with many things.

The wedding was beautiful, although i missed a great deal of it trying to take pictures of the bride and groom. It was great to see family again and to catch up on the 'what's what' with everyone. i did get the chance to dance with my brother (to summer of 69), that song has always comforted us in many ways.

Exercises have to be done before i catch the bus in a little while, i am eating my breakfast as i write this.

will try to write more later tonight,....

9 Tries and other stuff

2005-09-16T05:52:00.000-04:00

Ever drop someone off for school, work, movies (anything) and when it was time to go get them, they didn't look the same?

Yesturday when it was time to go get my children, something interesting happened. It was a great day over all, until it was time to get my second child. The only thing i can say about it is,, Oh BOY! The child's face was all swollen, especially around the bridge of her nose. (Ever see a mom panic... "Yup" That's me!)

i asked my child if all was well, and the answer was yes, and that they haven't looked in a mirror all day. But that the teacher had noticed it in the afternoon.

*i'd growl, though i am not allowed to*

i looked at the day care woman, and even she was in awe that they left this child looking like this at school all day! This is where my protective side comes out, i asked the daycare woman why i wasn't called by at least someone from school or daycare. She had no explaination, though she did mention that it was her first time seeing the child.

Off we all go to one clinic, thought i made great progress, only 5 people in front of us. Wondered why a whole bunch of people kept coming in and going in front of us... come to find out there was a 3 hour wait. *sighs* Now the child is telling me that they are having a hard time breathing. Secretary told me to keep waiting, that if it was anything 'important' it wouldn't have taken all day.

Off we go to the Children's Hospital....Doctor says something must have bit the child and is having an allergic reaction to whatever it is. Now tests have to get done.

It is almost 11pm and none of the children have had supper (i've been giving them granola bars and fruit and crackers). X-ray was taken too, nothing broken with the nose.

Did not arrive back at the house until early morning... now i am tired, and hungry... time to eat i think.

....

i've been wondering, more and more i have been having trouble loging in to blog, if it doesn't tell me to empty my cookies a dozen or so times, it is something else. The newest one is wrong password, took 9 tries to actually get me to get in. Frustrating, however i got in to blog for my day.

Over all with all the mayhem, life is good, many things to be thankful for. It is an emotional time for me with my brother's upcoming wedding. Suppose to rain here tomorrow... how fun it is going to be.

i wish Y/you all the very best for the weekend ahead.

Thank You CLoud for Your kind words *smiles warmly*

Thank You CLoud

2005-09-15T05:40:00.000-04:00

Last night i recieved an email that at 11pm i was to have an orgasm. Thank You CLoud! It took everything not to just go to bed after that. i had my shower to take and do a few other things, although i have to say i was asleep before midnight.

i have started my exercises today, only the ones that do not include my knee.
12 Crunches
12 Sit-ups
10 butterflies
10 arm extensions
20 Posture position.

i do have new exercises that are awaiting for me (thank you ling for emailing me them) i have read them although i do not know them off by heart yet for i will only know them when i do them.

When i woke up this morning the first thought i had was, "oh boy, my brother is getting married this weekend!!!!"

To add to my list i have to get my dress hemmed! i did not think of it because the dress is still in the bag that i bought it in. i love the dress! i feel great in the dress too. The color of it is pewter!!! Weird, perhaps, yet something different.

Time to go eat breakfast and start my day.

G'morning

2005-09-14T05:44:00.000-04:00

Good moring A/all

i would like to take the time to thank CLoud, ling and littleone for T/their comments in my last post. Miss you too ling!!

There are certain things i let 'slip' while i was on a little sabatical, though today i woke up a little earlier to get them all done.

The exercises are still going to have to wait for a great deal of them include me using my knee. i am hoping there is nothing 'wrong' with it. *shrugs*

i have another busy day ahead, especially with meet the teachers tonight. Have no clue why they put it in homework hours. i wont allow my child to suffer for it, so that part of the homework can wait for another day.

Enjoy the day A/all

thank You CLoud for understanding and Your support

peeks in

2005-09-13T19:04:00.000-04:00

It has been a while that i have not blogged, so now i am back with a clearer frame of mind. It is amazing how things can be comprehended in such a different way that it was meant. Also one important thing to remember that if someone is in one mood, just by being so might even change the way that person interpretates the comment or question.

i believe that old habits, bad ones are hard to break (then again who wants to change a good habit). Trigger words in a conversation can bring up memories that people believed was long passed, so when they are faced with something they have to wonder if that thing is back again... and truly it isn't for long, because they know how to get rid of it.

Well in the upcoming weeks, i have several doctors to go see, Monday i will go back to see the Doctor who checked out my knee that first time, by Friday i go see another Doctor (and i believe He is in the lifestyle, if not... my opinion is He would be a great Dom). The following week i have my ultrasound,, which i will not think about until the night before. It will be interesting to see what happens with that, and i am truly relived i will know the results in just a short time.

It seems that this month has gotten the better of me, with the start of school, not only for me but for a child; the fact my brother is gettint married in a few days, my mother getting rid of my father's things, renovating the house; having to face the contractor that i /we took to court... life has been fun. There fact that CLoud has given me specific things to do, like my exercises (even though i was not allowed to do them for a time), the mirror on Sundays (i know i did not blog about that this week), and other things that CLoud has given me along the past month has helped me ground myself and stay focused with so many things.

i truly misunderstood what was asked of me on Friday, and i am very sorry for that CLoud. The only thing i did do was take the advice and go from there.

CLoud wants a submissive/slave who is able to stand tall, if not now, in time. i have questioned this the past several days, if i am able to do this. As in, being able to take care of the children, their homework (which is 2 hours a night 4x a week), be able to study and do my work, clean, paint and all the whatknots of the house,... and all the things that CLoud has asked of me. The big problem here is not that i cannot do it, i Can do it! i have to figure out a way to organise myself, my time, my responsibilities and everything inbetween.

Is it fair of me to ask CLoud to continue training me? CLoud deserves so much more, ... in my mind. In the end it is CLoud's decision, not mine. Do not get me wrong, if in danger, or something on those lines, i would stop everything. The one thing i am learning is that if a dominant wants something, it is up to that Person to make the decision, not the submissive/slave. The dominant will take all the information given and make the right decision for that time. See, not my decision. What i can offer will be different from the next person, whether female or male, bi, gay or straight. Doesn't mean that my mind is right for questioning all things. It is part of me to care, worry, be concerned about those around me.

*takes a deep breath*

i am trying to understand everything here, and i hope that one day things would not be so confusing.

After next week i will be offically in a new home... yes that means all the other tiny little things will be moved Sunday after the wedding Saturday.

It is time for a pup to stand and take charge of a few things and in the end it is one road i do not wish to look back upon.

Aye!!

2005-09-08T19:51:00.000-04:00

*scratching head*

Where have the days gone by? i have laundry to do up to my ears it seems and the dishes piling up in the sink.

Now to the good things in life, i have two beautiful wonderful children that keep me on my toes. Especially with grade two homework, with extra projects already coming along! Yuppie!!!

Then of course there is bath times and reading to both when they are tucked in their bed. i refuse to change this habit that we all have gotten use to. One thing that i miss is that one other person use to sing with us before their little eyes would shut and off to lala land they go.

School is getting out of hand a little. Last night i was doing homework and research for about three hours until i realised it was 2am and i needed to wake up at 5:30am. A thing that i do not wish to admit is that i hadn't even taken a glance at my email, for i was only thinking of school work.

The home phone here is suppose to be disconnected tomorrow, so now i will only have my cell phone that will only be on after 4pm (though i doubt i'll answer anything before 8pm because i'll be be busy with homeowork with the child).

Tonight i will have to do my tasks that i missed out on last night, though with everything that has happened within the last couple of days..... no wonder P/people (including CLoud) think that i need to be on a new Cosmic Karma soon.

Tuesday as Y/you all know i went to the Doctors, yesterday coming home in the Metro, (was on the orange line) and everything shut down. There was an announcement that came on the intercom saying that there will be a three hour delay. (Come to find out someone jumped in front of the moving metro). Now today coming home and in the middle of picking up the children... (had one with me at the time) the buses brakes lock and..... tada... not able to move anymore. The bus driver warnes us that we'll have to wait for the other bus. Looking at my watch i had about 20 minutes to walk to the school and get the other child. Off we went in the pouring rain and finally made our way to the school.

*smiles*

my luck is changing, right? There are better and beautiful days coming ahead, right?

Why oh why do things like this seem to happen when a person believes that their plate is already full? This proves, each and every day that i believe in myself and i will NOT go back under a rock. I refuse to exist and i will survive, with bruises and all.

So that has been the last few days in my life. As soon as the children get tucked in tonight i will be doing the task that CLoud has told me to do. Now i'll try to look for something different to help me along.

Til next time...

smiles

2005-09-07T05:47:00.000-04:00

Last night i was tucked in bed early, actually i tucked myself curled up with a child. i did wake up a few hours later to check my email, ... then off to sleep i went again.

When i awoke this morning i check my email as i drank my water. CLoud is back from the trip, i was happy to hear that CLoud's home. There is something that is always unsettled in me until a P/person i care about is not home. i did do my best to put those thoughts and feelings aside and do what was expected.

i woke up at 5:30 this morning, in some ways i find that just a tad too early though it gives me just enough time to do what i need to.

There is not much to say since i have to wait to go back to my exercises. i am trying to not let all this discourage me, and i am still watching what i am eating so that my metabolism has a little kick start to it. Sometimes i wonder if this is Ørlög's way to warn me to slow down. Who knows, i just cannot let all this get to me, i refuse to go a re-learn a lesson i should have caught on long ago.

i am strong, and i will take things in stride, it is the only thing to do right now.

Welcome back CLoud, and thank You. *smiles*

A Lovely Cane

2005-09-06T17:37:00.000-04:00

Waking up was a fun task today. It was as if i was in a different place, and yet i was in my own 'bed'. i do not like the feeling of being lost and confused, especially when i am alone, though there are times i like that feeling of confusion, being dependant on Another.

After trying to get out of bed and not being able to walk properly, i knew there was something up. i took my time getting ready and the children ready for school as well. i was already late for school so i called them right away and left a message. After dropping the children off where they needed to be i went straight to the clinic.

The wait to see the Doctor was about an hour. After wabbling in and explaining what was wrong, He said to me, "W/we've got a little problem." i looked at Him tilting my head in question. Then He said, "you will need to drop your pants so that i can take a good look at your knee." There was no hesitation on my part, then He said, "you could always just pull up the pant legs though."

Now, after thinking about what He suggested, i would have been embarrassed because i had just finished shaving myself and i was not wearing any panties. On the spur of the moment without thinking though i would have dropped my pants. After all He is a Doctor, like He has never seen a vagina before.

The thought makes me blush now...

Anyhow, having to go through x-rays and all, life is fun. Going back to the Doctor He was teasing me a little about how i was walking and that i needed to get a cane or something to help me. He teased me a little more, actually told me that if i go back to see Him that i needed to wear a skirt, that it is more practical. He is right, it is, however that would be up to CLoud if i wore a skirt the next time or not.

So now i am using this lovely cane, but it is a walking stick and nothing more then that. i do not believe it is the right material to use as a toy cane.

i'm off to do some homework with the child.

A Hectic Night

2005-09-05T06:37:00.000-04:00

Last night i went to the local park here with the children to listen to the band playing and watch the fireworks. Children always love fireworks, even if it is too loud for them. Well with that all and having to masturbate between a certain time, i had to fit it all in before midnight. Not easy!!!!

Y/you see, i am not able to have my orgasm quiet easily. First one usually is between 15-20 minutes, others following could be 5 minutes later, to 40-50 minutes. i had one (1) hour to do it by the time they were tucked in their bed and having their songs of the night.

Soooo,..... i took advantage of the moment and had my first orgasm at the park. No i did not masturbate in front of anyone, as much as that would give a certain rush, and would be humiliating in a different way, i could not and would not do that in front of children. So off i went to the washrooms stalls. i was not allowed to play with myself with my fingers, i looked through my new (small) purse and took out what i could find. A pen! It was frustrating at first not being able to find something to get me that excited. However i was walking around moist all day from excitment that i was allowed to do it.

i eventually did have my orgasm, several seconds before friends came looking for me to leave. On the way home as the children chatted, i was thinking about what scenerio i was going to use next. The brush is what i used for the two other orgasms that i had to do. Oh, i also used the shower head, though that just makes everything numb for a time. The handle of the brush makes me think of the first time i had an orgasm with CLoud, when CLoud was directing me on what to do.

The thought of Him watching me do it one day, makes me all nervous, anxious, excited. That is what pushed me over the top. Next i thought about the toys that CLoud had spoken about in the past months, wondering if i would want more, and how much more would i push myself to go through. Yes, i am scared ... petrified is more like it to go through it, though i will never know until i try. As i was thrusting with the handle, i was picturing the end of a cane being used on me.

*blushes*

Thank You CLoud for allowing me to orgasm for You three times last night.

Off to the National Park i go....

Concert and The Mirror

2005-09-04T08:22:00.000-04:00

Exercises:

i walked for an hour this morning, i did my knee bends and one arm butterfly / and other exercise. All the rest hurt my shoulder which is not a good thing. Health is CLoud's number one thing to look after, so i am following CLoud's and the Doctors orders.

Last night i went to the Avril Lavigne concert. It was the birthday present to one of my children. AND... we were on the floor, general admissions! Which was not a wise decision however that wasn't my choice. (next time i know to order the tickets myself) Though out of habit we always get floor tickets and try as best we could to get close. Anyhow with four adults and one child and arriving there early we ended up being about 10 rows back for the opening band which was Butch Walker. He was fun to watch and he made fun of Kelly Clarkson... he sang Since You've Been Gone in rock style, and it was amazing!!! The crowd went wild singing along, as did i and the child. *laughs softly*

Now here comes the ut-oh part of the night. During intermission we all knew that people would start to push forward to get closer to the floor, so we boxed in the child leaving enough space to breath. There wasn't any moshing going on, for after all Avril's style of music isn't for that. There were a group of girls who started to push their way bouncing into people just to move ahead. Well they were messing with the wrong crowd! *smiles* The child was well protected at all times, and did not get hurt. Actually child was laughing and having a ball.

As soon as Avril came out the child was up on my shoulders, since i am only 5'4", the child didn't seem to be too far up but was able to watch the first song 'Skater Boy' (which is the child's favorite song).

It was a good concert though Very short, Avril sang for one hour! she might not have too many songs, though she could have stayed a little longer. It's her choice after all...

The Mirror

There is something slowly changing within me when looking into the mirror. i still do not look at myself on a whole, thought that it a good thing right now. i use to generalize everything, now i make sure to pay attention to details and all the little parts i never really looked at. In a year from now hopefully i will be able to look in the mirror and see the whole me, and smile.

Today, i am paying attion to my birthmarks. i have one on the right side of my stomach, that is a tan color, it is small and it looks like two/three little islands in the ocean *smiles* i did not have this birthmark when i was a child, it appeared during my first pregnancy, interesting how that happens. i also have another birthmark that is hidden. Hidden because it is a white birth mark that only appears when i get a tan around. It is on my inner thigh, though i have wondered that if i was hit there and the skin turned red what color would the birthmark be. This birthmark is a butterfly (last i seen it). For T/those who know me well, know that i am connected to things with wings, especially those with hidden wings. *smiles softly*

Now onto something different, stretch marks. All the stretch marks that i have are from the pregnancies i went through. i use to avoid the fact that i have them, now i am slowly embracing them. They are a part of me after all, and W/whom ever will look at my naked body should not be disgusted by them, it is a part of nature. What can i say, i had of larger size babies. 21.5 inches and 9lbs 6oz, the other one was a little less then that. Now, they are both under weight for their age groups, one taller then average the other slowly catching up to the hight *grins*. So how can i hate something that brought me so much joy in my life? When laying in bed at times i still run my fingers over the stretch marks and think of my children.

CLoud, thank You for helping me see this when i have a hard time looking at myself.

Last night my vagina was wet, and aching to be touched, though i did not touch, since tonight i know that i must masturbate 3 times in 2 hours (from 10-12). i'll just have to think of new things to use, since the restriction is that i am not allowed to use my fingers.

Off for the day... *smiles*

Though i am starting to miss You CLoud...

Hair Brush and Cookies

2005-09-03T08:17:00.000-04:00

i have instructions from CLoud that my exercises should be posted in the first blog of the day. Today, and for the next few days i will not be able to do the exercises...

Yesterday was extremely interesting. At the end of my day and having to go pick up the children at school and daycare, i had to head to the local clinic. Even though i have not had an exray (and i cannot until Monday) i have been told i have a sprained shoulder. Y/you must be wondering how i got this. Well due to the fact that i was carring all the books for school after class on Thursday, and having to bring both the flyers and books to school, i guess i did something to my shoulder. Right now i have to be careful., i am also icing my shoulder (even as we speak) so that the muscle will relax a little.

i spoke with my teacher yesterday to find out more about the course, she asked the class to see if we thought we were in the right program. i have been questioning myself, as i said before, i'm not questioning myself anymore. It was a challenging day, had three large assignments to hand in at the end of the day. Most people, including i did not understand the first part of it so it took much longer then it should have. It was all handed in, and the teacher said that if there are any corrections we will be able to redo it in time.

Now i was given instructions to masturbate 3 times within a two hour time frame, now the thing about this is that i was allowed to do it at any time i wanted, as long as all three were done before the two hours.

Hair brushes are a very interesting thing to use, and yes i used the hair brush that i use to do my spankings as well. Now to explain what i did, i inserted the handle into my vagina and played with it a little with there. i also took it out and licked it clean, this is something that embarrasses me to do, though there is an excitment too with that humiliation. i haven't used something in me for a while, well besides what CLoud has instructed me in recent past. i then held onto the bursh and used the handle to stroke my clitorus. i have been wanting and needing to cum for a few days now, although i was still under punishment for something that i had done. my orgasm did not take hard to reach, and when i did, i whispered Thank You CLoud. Within 5 minutes after i was back at it, this time i used the flat side of the brush, i had turned on my stomach, put a pillow under me and then layed the hair brush there. The pressure was right on my clitorus, and so i rubbed myself over and over again, it hurt (in a way that i did not want to stop), there was heat and i was wet. It is weird, i did not feel as though i came before, i Needed to get to this orgasm, i needed to release it, i needed the frustrations to go away. Finally i did have my orgasms, with whimpers and all. Thank You CLoud.

i had fallen asleep (or was it day dreaming) for a time, i know i was smilng, i know that i had to be careful of my shoulder (which i had antiflammatories and pain killers to take). Everything was great at that point. i knew i needed to do one more, and i had about 45 minutes left to get it done. i looked around the room to see what i could find and so i found this toy that the childlren have not used in a long time. i do not know the proper term for this insturment, but it is like a drum stick with the little ball at the end. i have to say, what an interesting thing it is!!! That type of tool is very Very different from anything else that i have had used. Different pressures, different feelings, the way it slipped with my wetness. i am having trouble describing the feeling of it, but wow! It did not take me more then 20 minutes to be pushed over the edge and my orgasm came out. Thank You CLoud.

A lot of the frustrations of the week seem to pour out of me, i was able to relax and fall quickly to sleep. As well as i slept last night (was the best nights sleep in over a week) i still had to take my meds this morning.

i still have to redo my nails and shave this morning after taking a bath, all in all everything is slowly moving along.

Now, about cookies, does anyone else have problems with loging in blogger becauses of cookies? IT seems it happens on a daily basis for me and at times i am not able to get in at all even after i have emptied my cookies.

Will try to figure something out soon.

Little changes along the way

2005-09-02T05:49:00.000-04:00

This week has been a rough start to new life. Why do i say new life, because i am taking more responsibility then i have in the past few years. The thing about a rough start is that there will be easier days ahead, and it forces me to keep taking steps ahead. Sure i questioned if i was doing the right thing when things get a little chaotic, a little old habit, the B I G difference is i haven't stopped yet and i am not curling up in a hole.

Someone once told me that i need SELF discipline, He was right. Yes, CLoud is encouraging me, yes i have insentives, but the reality is, i haven't had the chance to chat with CLoud since last week. CLoud and i have emailed, (don't get me wrong) right now it isn't the thought of CLoud's belt, or CLoud's rod that is getting me out the door. What is, is that i have 2 little children that need me to take care of them. (not that i wasn't before, but now i am doing it alone... more or less). So now i am learning self discipline, slowly. Little steps every day is the way to do it. Thank You Sir for pointing that out to me so many months ago, even though i did not fully understand what i needed to change before being able to do it.

Last night i did redo my exercises, even though recently i was told to concentrate more on one set a day. In the morning, i force myself to do the sit ups and crunches. Why? Because i need to build my lower back and abdoman muscles. Of course i would like to reshape all my body, but to concentrate more on that area right now, is making me happy. my arms have a hard time doing push ups and even the Stomach/Lower back exercises. (After carring all those books, and pamphlets for hours was stimulating in one way and exhausting in another... still it was helping me to get back in shape) Last night i did my 2 push ups, i also did 12 Stomach/Lower back exercises. i did my 2 arm exercises and knee bends. Every day no matter where i am i do the Posture Positions. Especially when i am getting tired or the feeling of shyness (which i tend to curl up) happens.

i did my sit ups and crunches this morning, my sets of them are slowly improving that i do not take little breaks in between.

i must concentrate on the good, and not let every little negative thing bring me down.

Now i am off to shave, redo my nails and eat breakfast before the day ahead.

Measurements update

2005-09-01T23:57:00.000-04:00

Date 11/8/05 1/9/05
Measurements (cm)
Neck 36 36.2
R. Bicep 36 34.5
L. Bicep 36.3 35
Shoulders 110.5 107.9
Chest 102.5 101.5
Chest/breasts 113.4 112
waist (belly button) 112.4 113
pelvic 124 124.4
hips 117 123
R. Thigh 68.5 67
L. Thigh 68.4 68
R. Calf 40 41
L. Calf 39.8 40.8

Weight (lbs) 203 200

i have to say that i do not really understand the difference in the measurements, some make me smile and others make me scratch my head a little. *laughs* Though i have been told that this is normal for the first few months or so. i should say that the hips area is the buttox area.

i have lost weight, and that is a great thing!

Thank You CLoud

When it rains, it pours!

2005-09-01T23:30:00.000-04:00

Things always seem to happen in groups in my life, so when it rains, it pours. Never really knowing when it will let up a little for a breath of fresh air. Good thing is that it does happen.

i had a meeting today with an agent at 4:15pm. i did arrive early, and met with the agent, all went well. What was suppose to only take 10-15 minutes took 2, yes... 2 hours! There is a lot of good that came out of the whole time, however i did not know how to cut it short. i needed all the information she was giving me for school, the more i understood the more i am able to finish the other tasks and assignments. The bad thing is, i was not able to go to see another agent.

It was time (press time too) to go and get my children. Which is another reason i couldn't get to see another agent, will do so either Friday or Saturday.

Now going back to earlier in the day, school was hectic, i am having a little trouble with some of the abbriviations, which will only come in time from using them repetitively. In many ways it is it's own language, always fun to learn a new language.

Here's the catch of the day, it was suggest that i made a phone call before 1pm today. i was not able to because the teacher gave us a group project to walk around a certain section of the city and 'be tourists'. Most were rushed just to get the task done, they did not care as to the exact information that we needed. Bad thing, too many leaders for not enough followers. Taking a step back was not working (especially when people did not know directions well of what was East and West in the city). i finally did speak out and put in my two cents. It worked for a time, then all broke loose again. Best thing that i did was went back to the places i thought i needed, put it in a seperate folder and continued with my day.

W/we shall see what happens tomorrow when all is said and done in class. Lack of organisation was one thing, even when i spoke about it certain people seemed disinterested. All i know is that i did what i thought was best.

Oh, i finally did got my hair cut! It isn't short or anything now, mostly took off the split ends.

i drank my 3liters of water, glass of ice tea too. Had to take my meds for the migraine that attacked me while i was out with the group, it worked pretty quickly at this time. Stress is what caused it, i was worried about several things in the past 2 days, but it is all over and done with.

i did have a few negitive thoughts about school, that maybe i was in the wrong program, or that maybe i wasn't strong enough to do all this, today i proved that wrong. i woke up and 'jumped for it' so to speak. i know that i Can do this. i also know that CLoud is encouraging me with each step.

Dark times happen when silence hits in, though it is that certain light that is sometimes seen faint in the distance that helps us take the next step. Thank You CLoud.

i have a few things to do before heading off to bed.

morning exercises

2005-09-01T06:26:00.000-04:00

15 push ups
15 crunches
2 push ups
10 Stomach Lower back
5 Posture Positions

i will be trying to do the push ups later on during the day, i have a harder time doing them early in the morning. Have eaten breakfast again, a great thing.

Today i will have to post my measurements and weight, Fun!! *smiles*

Sweet Soft Dreams

2005-08-31T07:26:00.000-04:00

Even though i went to bed late after typing out my notes from the day, i fell asleep quickly. i can say i even remembered little things of my dreams, which is rare.

Now here's the funny part, the last dream i had was about spiders, and anything that looked like one. i have to say i am not fond of insects, although 98% of the time i do not get scared of them, i do at times still get the chills. Point to all this, i was dreaming of spiders. "eww" was my expression at first, though i did not feel threatened in my dream.

Thus, this morning i looked up the meaning of spiders in my dream. (here's the link) http://dreemmoods.com/cgi-bin/searchcsv.pl?search=spiders&method=exact&header=symbol The short version, a spider could be a symbolic of feminane power. It could also mean Y/you are feeling like an outsider. Or that Y/you may need to keep Y/your distance and stay away from a tempting situation.

*smiles*

Today i wake up with a smile, CLoud left a wonderful post which made me soar even higher then i was. Thank You CLoud.

i have not had the chance to send ling much email recently, although she understands that i am able at times. One thing that is important to me is consistancy, and i prefer to be consistant with my friends this way T/they learn to trust my actions.

About stretching, i am sore from stretching last night (a good thing). my exercises were hard to do last night, my body did not seem to be working with me, especially my knee. If i get a chance this evening i will go see a Doctor.

i am having a hard time organising my time/schedule around the house, partly because one child has started school though they haven't been full days yet. The other part, with the other child trying out a day care, i have to stay and chat a while with the caregiver to find out if all is going well.

Lots to do, so little time. i have come to see that sleeping falls under health and if i do not want to get a punishment for it, i must remember that.

10Sit ups, 12 Crunches, 20 Posture positions (great way to do them in the Metro) 5 knee bends, arms 15 (sorry i do not know what to call each of those exercises, one is the butterfly .. i believe). 6 Stomach/Lower back, and 1 push up.

i must run around this morning, and have an important phone call to make today as well.

Oh, one last thing, i read something that made me cringe a little though still getting excited at the though. CLoud made a comment in a blog that He might be taking toys out of the toy box. my first thought was, "Can i please watch?" Then for a moment i had to think, "ohhhh!" *hands going behind back hiding my buttox" It is funny the images i get at times about me getting swatted, smacked, wacked or which ever term Y/you may use. One day i will know my true reaction.

*blushes*

Late Night

2005-08-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

Today has been one of those days ... no matter what there are still good things to smile about.

Tonight i will concentrate on the good and (not really ignore) but wont let the bad get me down in the dumps. School was great, i did ask a great deal of questions, and on my break i took the time to think and realise how much i have grown in the past year. Yes, i did have set backs, in the end even those made me stronger, and coming out from under a shell is a very, Very amazing thing.

Tomorrow i will be heading to agencies to talk about their work, to find out if they enjoy it and if they are passionate about it. In the end it is a good way to start getting contacts in the industry. Will i be shy, yes, probably, however i refuse to be intimidated like i have in the past.

For the longest time i did not really understand the fact that i wasn't in control of my life or anything else that was going on. It was a habit i had learned and just kept with it. Now, the difference is i have control, especially of my reactions and thus more so with my actions. All this is helping me grow and give more to CLoud with every little step that i take.

Yes, mistakes will be made with this journey, how else would anyone learn if they were perfect? Life would not be as interesting without mistakes and errors. The difference is, i cannot and will not sit here dwelling over them, that isn't my choice anymore. (Oh, and in the past did i ever dwell and hold things in for way to long, allowing it to eat me inside). It hasn't been (not long ago) that i learned when i am forgiven for something to drop that topic all together and i had better learn from it. Do not get me wrong, this is not about everyone, but it is up to CLoud to decide.

Certain 'friends' of mine would be very surprised to watch me now. They'd wonder what happened to me *grins*. All positive things in my books.

Tonight i will be getting to bed early, i have many things to get done in the morning even though school is out for the day i still have lots of homework and assignments to catch up on.

i am off to relax, and do some stretching, drinking the last water bottle as i type this.

On a last note, seeing how Y/you change within O/oneself is an amazing thing. Y/you may not see every little step but in the it O/one must be proud for the accomplishments.

G'morning

2005-08-30T06:03:00.000-04:00

Today i have a lot of things to do but i did get to do my exercises right before i wrote this. i do not have much time, however i needed to get this out while i could.

CLoud has been a great supporter for me going back to school. Thank You CLoud.

i'm actually eating breakfast while typing this, i don't usually eat at 6am in the morning, though i do need my energy.

15 sit ups and crunches, and only 8 Stomach/Lower back. my arms are tired and wouldn't keep me up. i'll have to make sure i do them all tonight.

wow, my first water bottle almost done... *smiles* can't wait until the doctor says i don't have to drink that much. Going back down to 2liters a day will be a lot easier.

Got to run, will write more soon.

oh!!

2005-08-29T21:51:00.000-04:00

Well i just read a comment that CLoud posted the other day. All i can say is "oh!" i missed a day that i was allowed to masturbate! *double oh!* i know that i have 6 days left before my punishment is over, so i will not ask before then.

Though i do have to admit that tonight writing the blogs i am wet.

and i am happy, truly happy for my day.

That's all for now, it surprised me to read that i was allowed too, but too bad that i did not have a chance to look at any mail or blogs or comments until now.

*smiles warmly*

Next time, this is all a learning experience.

Cathing Up

2005-08-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

i have missed a few days on posting things so i have a lot to catch up on.

On Saturday it was the first day that i was allowed to shave again. This time i took my TIME. i sat in the bath for a while, then i scrubbed with the Loofah sponge, then relaxed for a time again in the tub. i used a new blade and it went smoothly for the most part. i cannot say it was prefection but i am doing a better job then ever before. It was nice to actually be bare again, nice and soft. i haven't gotten the Gold Bond though, but i am using a cream that states the hair growth is much thiner over time. Let's see if that works.

Saturday to Sunday was a hectic time for me, and it was all about family. There wasn't a lot of time to sleep, though i did make sure to drink my water.

Sunday i did however (at the hospital in the bathroom) stripped and looked in the mirror. i know what my rules are from CLoud, that it is heath, family, work then CLoud. The thing is, by doing this it was helping me to refocus about things i needed to get done. i took the time while my uncle was being checked out by a nurse. Just to let Y/you know, yes the door was locked so that no O/one could walk in on me.

There i stood naked, and tired, though i did not feel alone. Have Y/you ever looked and i mean really looked at Y/your ears? i haven't, not until yesterday morning. Everyone had different ear lobes, and it feels nice when someOne whispers or breaths near it. At least i think so. i love that feeling, the goosebumps it brings. *smiles softly*

Now i had to find something else on my body that i liked, this task is becoming easier with each time i do it, however i still have my bad days, which seem to be growing fewer!!! So i was looking at the nape of my neck. i was actually remembering when CLoud touched my neck to see how sensitive i was, W/we even talked about wearing a collar during a scene. The great thing about my neck (i cannot speak for E/everyone out there) but if someOne were to try to nibble, T/they would definately get a squeal, a squirm and a few things inbetween from me. i use to not like anyone touching my neck, though that has changed in recent years, the only thing is i still get the 'creeps' (for lack of a better word) when i do not trust someone and they try to touch my neck. Then again that is from past experiences, and maybe in time i will not be that sensitive.

Last night i did get to do exercises. i NEEDED to do them, i had to find a way to relax because i was getting overwhelmed at the thought of re-starting school. my stretching was nice, the push-ups i did two, 15 knee bends/ crunches/ sit-ups/ arm exercises and 20 Posture Positions. and 15 Stomach/Lower back. 3 liters of water today and yesterday. Even more then that today.

i did finally get to sleep last night, have no clue what time it was though. Tonight i have to get to bed early, i am tired from the day of school and running to the government building.

Now about school, i made sure to remember that CLoud is training me, that everything that i do, with or without CLoud will reflect upon Him. There was a task to do in the class, which we were put into groups, after we came to our conclusion we had to share them with the class. *grins* Now here's the part that i like, many people have 'thier' point of view, which is not worng or right, just theirs. So i pose questions to see why and how they think. Thus i got this great debate started in the class. The teacher after everything was said and done, complimented the class, then me for being able to discuss things without it getting carried away. It was a great feeling, and here i thought CLoud was sitting nearby listening to all this, and smiling proudly.

i do have a headache tonight, which is the main reason i will be going to bed early tonight. Even though i know my instructions, and i do not wish to write more lines... i know that my health comes first before CLoud and this blog, but this has brought me peace and stability within me. It has calmed me to share this and some stress of the days ahead has lifted off my shoulders.

Yes this time is a trial period, and there might be many errors which A/all will learn from, but the main thing is that i keep focus with all this new chaos going around and i do not let it overwhelm me and take control. i have to make sure i keep the control of the new schedule. The is an empowering thing to have, and an amazing thing to be proud of.

Last nights exercises

2005-08-27T09:02:00.000-04:00

This blog that i use is suppose to be for thoughts that goes on throughout the day and to express about tasks that have occured (yes even punishments). It is also suppose to be positive, if not then there will be punishments involved.

Last night i fell asleep pretty early, the sun seems to always affect me in some way. The exercises last night were done i did knee bends (15) arm exercises (15 x 2), Sit ups and crunches (15 each), Stomach/Lower back (10) and throughout the day 20 Posture positions.

For the stretching, i've started watching this Yoga dvd to help with my stretching. By now my legs should be able to flex a little more then before, a little progress each day helps.

Water intake, 3 liters were taken. i did drink about a full liter before falling asleep last night so i surpassed the amount required.

Playing with...

2005-08-26T19:48:00.000-04:00

*grins*

No, i did not play with myself, i am not allowed to for the next 9 days and i will not even think about going against that one.

Was at the 'zoo' today, great weather, hot sun, had sunscreen, my hat, 6 bottles of water with me 2 Gatorades (grape flavour) life was grand! Got all nice and wet in the pool, made sure to go under the umbrella and get even more wet walking out of it. Heard the laughter of the children which is always a wonderful to hear.

Now for the fun part, the amusement park. Oh boy!!! i wasn't the only adult there (thankfully) but i was the one who went on all spinning things *grins* what great fun when going on things that you have no faith in!!!! i actually stood there arguing with the child that i was Not going on, but to see those eyes looking back, there was no way i was Not going on. So in i went, praying that i would make it alive. (i'm the type of person who wont to on roller coasters).

To hear me screaming and making the child laugh... PRICELESS!!!!! The child couldn't wait to get back on that ride and do it all over again!!! Lucky mommy!! Sad news is, the tea cups were not working this time around, so no getting all dizzy with that one. *grins*

i had a balll, the children had a ball, and now they are practically knocked out on the couch from the long, hot, sunny day.

i still have a lot to do, have my exercises and stretching to do. i also have to re-do my nails, seems that all that water wasn't to great for them. Most of all, i need a shower! *smiles*

i had a Great time playing with my children!

A Long Walk

2005-08-26T08:55:00.000-04:00

This morning after i had finished blogging and responding to a few emails, i got dressed and went for a walk. The sun was already out and someone was at home just in case the children needed something. It felt great to walk without having to wait for a child to catch up. i know that when going back to school next week i wont be able to get all this walking in, i will however be doing my 20 minute walk.

my whole schedule is going to have to change, and we are already Friday. Not sure if i am allowing myself enough time for everything. It takes about 45 minutes by Metro to get to school and another 20-25 minutes for the bus. It is a goal in itself next week and i cannot wait for the challenge.

So going for this walk was a good thing, i forced myself to only think of the good things going around. Going back to school is one, my children are both healthy, and this year one of them is going to learn another language (she has refused to learn french before now, although she does understand more then she lets on). i have a wonderful Dominant in my life, which is CLoud. *grins* He has this way of keeping me in line and because of Him i am finding my way.

The chaotic silence has diminshed a great deal. *smiles softly*

CLoud did mention a while ago that the first two weeks are gentle, and now W/we shall see what is next to come. i must prove to Him and to myself that i am where i belong.

Daily Diary

2005-08-26T04:40:00.000-04:00

Most of my day yesterday was calm. After the little ones were all tucked in bed (and i did a double check a little while after just in case) before stripping and being all alone with myself. i came to the basement, knelt down for a time, with my hands on my upper thighs and just breathed. It is not a position i am use to anymore. i had banned it after i was released from the Online Dom. Now, it is something i simply must do, no reason not to re-train my body to accept that position.

i started to do my stretching, i do tend to work more on my legs for i have lost all my flexibility throughout the years of not caring for myself. Now, throughout the day i think of different things i can do to help myself along the way. i take the stairs when possible, instead of the escalators. Every little thing helps, and since i have many flights of stairs with the transfer of Metro's throughout the day, it'll be a great thing.

i have been told to scrub my vagina with a loofah for 5 minutes, yes it becomes raw in one way and numb in another way after all that time of scrubbing. Although the clitorus has a chance to peek out and get a little 'feel' for things. i make sure not to concentrate on the clitorus, for i am not allowed to masturbate for another 9 days. Still no matter how hard i try to avoid it, it still becomes stimulated a little. i do get to shave tomorrow though; which i will take my time in doing.

i've been told to urinate in a bowl now, which is extremely embarrassing to do. Not much more i can say about that.

Laying down in bed i was just listening to the sound of my breathing, my heart rate. Feeling the blood moving in my body, there was music in the back ground, some old Jazz.

Something has changed within me, not something i could express at this time. i do not understand it fully, perhaps one day i will be able to.

Thank You CLoud

Lions and Tigers and Bears

2005-08-26T04:04:00.000-04:00

Oh my, Y/you my think, for that is what the saying goes. To me, it is my way of saying nightmares again!!! (and P/people wonder why i don't watch horror movies) One thing i have tried all my life doing is learning how to control a dream. Nightmares seem to still affect me, zombies! First time i remember dreaming about them is after Michael Jackson came out with Thriller. Yikes! Probably slept in my parents bed for over a week back then. Now i am the parent, easier to be the protective person in all this. Nightmares seem to knock me on my feet, making me feel like a little girl all over again. Oh, they are not all about zombies, thankfully.

Y/you might wonder why i am blogging about this, in the end it helps me gain control of everything and brings me back to my senses. i must admit that i am one who believes in dreams, that some do have their meaning behind it all. i'll have to look into zombies and their meaning to see if theirs anything interesting.

i haven't had a nightmare in a couple of months which i am grateful for. i did have them a great deal after my father died and had no clue how to gain control of them, so i lost a lot of sleep then. No wonder i let myself lose control of so many things. Everything in my life now is slowly getting back on track.

i start school next week. Of course i am excited and anxious. i am finally showing myself that i CAN do it, with CLoud's encouragement of course. Funny how the thought of One's belt (for punishment) can push you that last step when all fear and anxiety hits. *smiles softly*

i am much calmer now then when i first started this blog, my hands have stopped shaking and my heart rate is back to normal. i used what CLoud taught me, by feeling His hand on mine and breathed slowly. Thank You CLoud.

Daily Exercises

2005-08-25T17:19:00.000-04:00

Today i was able to get both set of exercises in before 5pm!!

First set i was naked to do them, as embarrassing it was for me to do them that way at first, i no longer even think about it while doing it. 15 Sit-ups, 15 Crunches, 6 Stomach/Lower Back, 15 knee bends.

Second set of exercises i was not able to do them naked, 15 Sit-ups, 15 Crunches, 15 Stomach/Lower back, 2 push-ups (oh, they start counting tomorrow..) and i did the 15 x 2 arm exercises.

i feel great today!

i have done 15 Posture Positions, i have 5 more to do before the day ends. i truly believe my stance is very different then before, i am standing straighter then i have in a long time. It's a great feeling.

Intake of water i'm at 2 Liters ... and it makes me go to the washroom every few minutes it seems. *laughs*... the joys of drinking lots of water. Great for many things, especially getting rid of toxins in the body.

Pampering

2005-08-25T17:02:00.000-04:00

Ever take the time to pamper oneself? With a busy schedule and running around after children life always seems to get in the way and W/we forget about oneself. Should a submissive pamper themselves without their One's permission? Maybe, maybe not all depends one what the pampering is.

Today i treated myself. i layed down in the sun bathing in the sunlight listening to the children play around me. It became music to my ears as i drifted, not really sleeping, only thinking of things that i would like to happen in life. i am sure many P/people in the lifestyle have looked at a park and found many useful things that would be great to attach a submissive too. It's part of what W/we do (not everyone though). W/we use O/our imaginations and see what new things W/we can come up with, and please know that it isn't only the Dominants that do this for some of us submissives do it as well.

i came home and gave myself a manicure, mostly because i broke two nails in the past two days. Something that is expected of me is to have my nail polish perfect at all times... here's a hint to someone who doesn't know this, do not use quick drying nail polish for it chips a lot faster then normal nail polish.

i even had the time to pamper my feet a little. *smiles* All things i am suppose to do, but the extra attention is beneficial for the spirit within.

a little something...

2005-08-25T07:11:00.000-04:00

Last night i was able to chat a little with CLoud, it felt great to do so even though i cannot use the lap top full time as i wish to.

i took my time stretching last night, my legs seemed stiff. What was great about it was that it relaxed and soothed my muscles from the long day i had.

Today i have a lot of catching up to do around the house, although it is all little things.

While i took my shower last night i thought of so many things. Sometimes ones mind goes to fantasy land *grins* what can i say, at times i just crave One's touch. It wasn't one perticular thing, my wrists were bounded over my head, and i was there on display and all i kept on thinking is 'please touch me'. i get these little cravings at times and they pass too...

i have been using the Loofah daily, as rough as it is, it is very stimulating. The blood rushes to the pussy lips, nice and tingly. *smiles softly*

a good day

2005-08-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day, even as hectic as it was. There were many questions asked by a little child which always amazes me where their minds go next. Brings a new twist on life that is for sure.

The exercises tonight were awesome!! i did 15 Sit-ups, s15 Crunches, 15 Stomach /Lower back and 3 push-ups! However i did start with the push-ups, my arms are way to tired after the Stomach/Lower back exercises. It felt great to do them all.

i have drank my 1.5 liters that i needed to, some of it was hot water to relax an upset stomach. The 20 Posture Positions were done once again on the bus and metro, since i did take at least 6 different metro's today.

CLoud made a comment tonight on my last blog which totally shocked me. i have never, ever considered suspension like an elevator, and then i thought cables....oh boy! Trust, right!?!?! It is all about trust, not only that the cable wont brake, but in the end it is trusting CLoud. This is definately something that i would like to try someday,, it is a limit i wish to push. However only in time will W/we know the outcome. *smiles softly*

Thank You CLoud for pointing something out that i have never looked at before.

Elevators

2005-08-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

Here's something new to blog about; my fears of elevators. i know many P/people love elevators and wish that T/they could stop one to do a scene or something in between. Here i am stuck to the railing (hopefully there is one) praying that it wont stop on the way up/ or down. i also pray that the cable wont brake! i have to say that i do laugh about this fear, Anything can happen, anywhere with anyone so it is no use in worrying about something that wont happen. (i am still learning this and have relaxed about most things). Then today, i had to go to a government building. Most of the time i will take the stairway (if able), this time i couldn't because the child was with me and was already getting tired from the long walk.

In we went, she was giving me a funny look. Y/you could say that mommy had a funny face on trying to make light of that matter that this was an O L D elevator ... with creaking doors. With the first stop more people entered, and with the second stop too. my attention was definately on the child and trying really hard to ignore the alarm bells going off in my head.

As we got off the child said, "mommy, that was fun!! " *jumping now*... child said, "Are we going to go on that funny sounding elevator again??? " i bent down on one knee to speak to the child, "Do we really have to?" Y/you can guess what the child did next! "Yes mommy, please?" i was grinning from ear to ear at the expression on the face, knowing that i had to go back in those elevators *thinking oh boy*, at least the child got to push the buttons.

Had to share that with Y/you all. If ever Y/you are in an elevator with me, please don't watch me too closely, then again it might bring a certain laughter. i have tried hard to over come this fear and i will continue to try, but do all those Action, or Horror movies have to show elevators that brake down?

*laughs softly* At least taking the stairs is a great way to get back in shape!

update on exercises

2005-08-24T18:09:00.000-04:00

Last night exersises were interesting, i did the sit-ups and crunches 15 each. Still working on getting all 15 without taking a little break in between. i do have to say that i am slowly reminding myself to breath at the right times,, makes things easier and almost getting all 15 in without the pause. i'll get there i know i will!

my arms were working against me with the Stomach /Lower Back exercises. The counts of 15 between each were extremely hard though i did get 8 in.

Now heres the thing, i know that i layed there for a few minutes thinking i have to try the push ups and had to get my stretching done. The few minutes turned into ... well turned into morning. Oh my!!! Did i ever jump up when a child asked me why i was laying down on the floor like that. i could not believe i had fallen asleep!!! *laughs* Y/you could say i was fumbling on my words for a few minutes when i realized what had happen. Yesterday was a rather busy day of running around from one school to the other then to the CLSC to pick up some papers. Getting back to the house it was rather late, ( i know i blogged last evening at some point..).

So Y/you can say i was ready for my exercises this morning. Got the child to sit on my feet and count as i started my exercises. i did do a few stretches and the knee bends in right away, those were a little hard for me this morning but all 15 were done. That exercise is funny, i keep imagining getting swatted with each bend.

15 Sit-ups and Crunches, 5 Stomach/Lower Back, and 1push up. 15 of both arm exercises.

It is 6pm now and i have only had 1.5 liters of water, so i have to get another 1.5 liters in before i get to bed tonight. Running from one end of the city to the other and back again, one loses time and everything else for a while, especially when there is a child to bring with you.

Supper time is here and i have to get something on the stove soon, maybe some roasted peppers with some noodles...

Am glad i have the computer right now, feels good to be able to blog.

lil quicky blog

2005-08-23T21:30:00.000-04:00

Morning exercises were done at about 6 this morning, 15 Sit-ups and Crunches, 10 Lower back.

i have to say that people must have thought i was strange doing the Posture Position on the subway and bus today. i had to make sure i got all 20 of them in throughout the day.

Water intake, one liter before 9am... one liter before 4pm and have drank another liter before and while dinner... so i am well over my intake on that.

i am going to do my second set of exercises now, even though my ribs are sore...*laughs* it'd rather my ribs sore then having to deal with CLoud's belt....

take care A/all...

Learning

2005-08-22T18:13:00.000-04:00

This might be one of the hardest things i have to do. i have to blog about why i have upset CLoud.

There are things that a submissive has to inform their Dominant so that They will understand and know the full effect of things. one's health is the most important thing, and if the Dominant doesn't know all the full details, how can He be able to protect His submissive to the best He could? Whose fault does it become then if the submissive never said anything?

It is my own fault, and once again i did not put myself on priority which i should have. The thing is, as much as this is about 'me' it also isn't. i made an error in judgement, which i shouldn't have made at all. It is a simple thing to tell CLoud if i have any health issues or anything else for the matter.

Now i am to send Him notices with all the information when they come up. i understand this and have accepted that the introduction of His strap and rod *cringes* will be the tools for punishment.

A year ago any type of cane, or even a rod would have been on my hard limit list. Things have changed since then, most of all i trust CLoud...

morning exercises

2005-08-22T18:11:00.000-04:00

15 Push-ups,,, 15 Crunches, 10 Stomach/Lower back, 5 Posture Positions... no push ups!!! *smiles softly*

1 full liter of water before 11am.

1 full liter of water before 6pm.

more to come.

will do the other set of exercises when i return later tonight and the stretching.

The Mirror

2005-08-22T00:12:00.000-04:00

The Mirror, is it something to dread or something to look forward too?

A few months ago i would have said without a doubt something i did not enjoy doing, actually it was hard for me to find something good about myself. It is not that i thought everything was bad per-say it is more that i just didn't think anything about me was that important to take the time to look at. By doing this task and with the repetitive mind set of finding something nice to say about a different part of my body, things are slowly changing. CLoud had asked me to do this (for the first time) about 7-8 months ago. i refused at first, not to Him, but to myself. Then i stood then and looked at what i saw, what i believed i saw and what i have repeatedly said to myself over the years. i wrote this all down and sent it to Him in an email. i do not recall exactly, but He told me to redue the task this time i HAD to find something positive to say about two things.

i stood there stairing at myself not sure exactly what to find. i did find something, two things to send to Him. The more i did this, the more i started to believe that when some O/one (anyone) other then myself looked at me T/they might see something T/they liked.

So now i am back here in front of the mirror, something i did off and on even though i hadn't sent it to CLoud in a long time... that's the past and this is now.. *smiles softly*

Tonight i was looking at my belly button. *laughs* Ever love to play with someone else's belly button, or kiss and nibble around it? Some P/people are sensitive around that area O/others are not. i was wondering if there is a belly button fetish or something out there. (i have yet to hear about one). i do like my belly button, it is an inny (and didn't go to an outty during pregnancy). i like my belly button and that is all i am going to say.

Secondly, i've been paying a lot more attention to my feet lately, especially having to make sure that the nail polish is done well. i find my toes are unique, they are not long, nor are they hammer toes. They are toes, that at times can pick up a pencil from the floor or tickle which ever child is trying to attack me. Toes are great! i've never really noticed my toes, now i do daily.

Thank You CLoud. *smiles warmly*

A Wonderful,Tiring Day

2005-08-21T22:56:00.000-04:00

It was a busy day here in the household, a child's birthday is a something to celebrate... especially around here. So the day began with being pounced on in the morning by the birthday child. What a great feeling that is, even if one is all cramped and bloated. First birthday song of the day was being sung around 7am. The offical birth hour was a little past 9am. Had breakfast and all, then the all famous bubble bath! Oh the joys of hearing a childs laughter, not sure anything else in this world can beat that. Ok, maybe their heartbeats...*smiles softly*

i found a little trick to do my exercises, my children sit on the couch and have fun counting! Y/you could say that i wont be doing that naked in front of them, but they are enjoying helping mommy out. 15 Sit- ups, 15 cruches... crunches are harder to do today, not sure why. So i tried doing the push-up right after that, nada.. once again. That's ok though, i will continue to try every single day.

Throughout the day when i was able to stand against a wall (mostly in the bathroom stalls) i got all 20 Positions done. The knee bends were done (15 of them) the Stomach/Lower back exercises are hard to do, actually my arms just get tired and shake a great deal, 10 were done this morning.

Shower and shaving (getting better at it, slowly but surely), did my hair and my nails to be able to go out with my children. First off we went to see their grandparents, then to JaveU, an amazing coffee shop. Shopping at the mall down the street was rather interesting. Mostly shopping for shoes (yet again), did buy myself a new top for school.

The little child was tired, napped all the way back home, and was excited to see other family members. Supper was at Jack's, service wasn't that great (very slow) and the waitress was a little lost most times. Songs and presents, Y/you all know the drill.

Was a great night for both, and to me that is all that counts. i just wish i was able to find where they put the digital camera. It belongs to their father and now, no one knows where it is, oh well.

Tonights exercises... 15 Sit ups, 15 Crunches, 8 Stomach/Lower backs, and...
....
*smiles*
not one, but T w o push-ups!!! *dances.... and dances some more*

This time i put my toes under the couch, they did not hold me down i just felt that i wasn't sliding on the floor. i might not have put my nose to the ground with both of those push-ups, but what i can say is that they were both full push-ups. i am sure in time i will doing better, i am proud of myself.

i even was starting to sweat from doing those exercises to doing my stretches. The more i do the stretches the more i am forcing myself to aim further. The only thing is that my flexibility right now is not the greatest, however doing this every day for the next month or so i am sure to see an even bigger improvement.

i have things to get to before i get to bed, and another blog to post before this evening is up for me.

exercise results

2005-08-21T08:58:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, was a strange day, it rained here off and one, but more so then not. The humidy and dampness was unbelievable, ... For a time i did not have a computer to blog anything, so here i am doing it now.

Morning i did my 15 Sit-ups and Crunches (each) i did the knee bends which seem to block my knee, however i'll continue doing it since it'll fall back into place eventually. It isn't a harmful exercise, just that i haven't worked out my knee often enough. The Posture positions are reminding me to stand straight and sit straight...though last night i was curled up in my ball because of cramps. The Stomach and Lower Back i did 5, i could not believe now much pain it gave...

The exact same thing was done for the evening. It is true i didn't force myself to go through the pain in my lower abdomen for the Stomach/Lower Back exercise. That kind of pain, is not the good pain.

Thus i will take the 40 wacks....

Doing the 5 clothes pegs was awesome. Since i have started my cycle, my nipples are even more sensitive then usual, it gave me different sensations then yesterdays 4 pegs. Though, the difference is that the 5th on each nipple was right on the tip of the nipple. For last night, it was definately yummy.

i'm going for my walk now, i need the fresh air before the busy day that is to come.

There is a birthday here in this house, so party time for a little child.

Missing You

2005-08-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

CLoud, this is the third day that You are gone, i hope that it is an enjoyable trip for A/all involved.

CLoud, consistancy, oh how i depend on it. i know that You gave me instructions before You left, i am trying hard to stay within all of those. my plans for the weekend went belly up, from not being able to borrow the tent to all this rain we are having here.

i pray there is no rain for You where You are.

i am missing You CLoud. i do not want to sit here and complain, but to hide my feelings would be lying to You. i will not hide, nor will i curl up like i use to for so many other things.

CLoud, i know and have read Your profile once again, ... is it ok to be missing You CLoud?

CLoud, there is one thing that You left me with that needs to get done, i am having much trouble to do it. The right words do not seem to be able to come out, it will be done though. When it is sent i will be proud of the work i have accomplished.

Hope You are having fun CLoud.

Waking up Late

2005-08-20T08:55:00.000-04:00

Good morning A/all

It's 8am here and i am hoping i can type everything in time to send this off before my 'time' is up.

Exercises:
Even though i am mostly finishing my Sit-ups and Crunches, most times it is not all in one continuious shot. i still need to concentrate on my breathing while doing them. my stomach muscles are holding up for the most part also, even though it is my lower back muscles that are in discomfort now.

Sit-ups and Crunches were both 15 the second time around. The Stomach/ Lower Back i did 10.

Oh good news, well mostly good news. i was told to buy 3lbs wrist weights, off i went to Wal-Mart to find them. Standing there i saw 1lb and 2.5lbs, there wasn't any 3lbs. i did the only thing that made sense to me, i got the 2.5lbs wrists weight for now. i have no idea when i could get back there to buy something else, this way it shows i did try. At this point it is better then nothing, since the suggestion that i wear them all day while i am at the house would help me strengthen my arm muscles. If they are not what i was suppose to get (technically they are not, though they didn't have heavier weight) then i will go buy the 3lbs dumb bells.

i did my arm exercises with them. Now here's the thing, slowly next Friday is arriving, i have yet to do one complete push-up. What am i going to do? Yesterday i tried three different times throughout the day to at least get one done. Nada. Nothing. Ziltch. It is getting me frustrated more then anything else. i get mad at myself for getting so worked up over it. If i can do one full one, then eventually i can get two, right? So what am i doing wrong, my arms just lock, or i fall completely on the floor. Embarrassing, yes, totally. Frustrating, depressing, disencouraging; completely.

Now getting onto my stretching, i worked up a little sweat by forcing myself to feel the pain as i stretched. i started at first to hold my breath (i'm really not into breath play) then i started to breath as i stretched, nice long breaths to relax my muscles more and stretch a little more. i really am out of shape, but this is all giving me a good kick start to continue on and get back into shape. It really isn't about losing weight, although that will be a big plus, it is more about being healthy and re-taking charge that i am important 'to me'. i'm understand that, and i am starting to realise all that i am important.

Last night it was raining out, yet not as cold as the night before. i wasn't sure if CLoud would have wanted me to do my last pee of the night outside or not. So off i went, in the rain (nothing like skinny dipping but was still fun), taking my time on the deck not to get splinters again. my right knee being annoying and not wanting me to crawl, the grass was soaking. Can say it didn't take me long to pee, getting all wet and all. i was more in a rush to get inside, the breeze was making me cold, and i really didn't care how messy it was to pee this time, i knew that the rain would wash it off before i got inside. Thankfully shower comes next. Had to shave (just realized i didn't buy Gold Bond), i did get a loofa though. In grown hairs are, painful and i have to be careful. i did manage to get another shaving cream, this one has silk protiens in it. W/we'll see how it turns out.

As i sat down by the patio doors, many chills came upon me. i have to say, Thank You CLoud... had only 16 wacks to give myself. Hard, (well hard for me, not sure it is as hard as CLoud would do them... which i hightly doubt i'm close to) repetitive strokes, it seemed they got harder as the numbers rose. my pussy lips, and clit were throbbing, the sting that it gives because of the wetness. Oh, i do not like punishments, but isn't that the point?

4 clothes pegs were next, i was laying down this time to see if it would feel differently. This pain is consistant, not too overwhelming, and there always seems to be this one place on my left nipple that burns more then anything else. Here i thought i didn't put it in the same place as the night before. i layed there for about 3 minutes in total, while there i didn't get excited by doing it, though i know that i can do this. i wasn't fantasising about anything, i was once again learning to relax. Kind of in a meditative state.

Now for the fun part. Between the hours of 10-12pm i was orded to cum twice, not a minute after. By the time i got everything else done it was nearing 11pm. i sat on my favorite couch (with a towel underneath me), bent my knees so that they were on either side of me and started to play with my clit. It reacted right away to the soft touch, it was still sensative from the wacks from earlier before. i wasn't all that wet yet so i used a little bit of Ky gel that i had left. (another thing to eventually buy) i love the way the Ky glissens the skin and makes it wet. i thought back to when CLoud and i went for a walk on Tuesday, how He pulled and tugged my hair as W/we sat on that bench, how He touched me. The more i thought about it the more i was getting excited. i wanted to cum for Him more then anything else, in my fingers went inside of me, coaxing my juices to start coming out. Little circles to my clit, feeling the little head of my clit getting harder. i was thought about how i would feel if He had ordered me to take off my skirt even though many people from the neighboring building would be able to see. What if He told me i had to masturbate in front of Him? The humiliation of that thought getting to me, making me more excited. (i've never masturbated in front of anyone before, the excitment of that possiblity...) i pulled my own hair as i masturbated, i was close, so close....
The vision of His eyes came back to me, stairing at me, that is what pushed me over the edge and i finally came. Thank You CLoud for letting me cum.

i took a break to go drink a bottle of water. Yes i finished a full one in no time. i was panting and pleading while i was masturbating, always making my mouth dry.

As i was walking back to the living room only candle light reflected on my body, i wondered if a passer by would see me standing there naked. i went to turn my body just in case, then i froze, it was as if CLoud told me not to turn but to start masturbating right there. i was wet from cumming a few minutes before, and i got all shy, i even tried to stop that thought... That wouldn't be a wise choice on my part, and thus i started masturbating and touching my breasts with the other hand, making a shower for anyone who was able to see. i spread my legs a little more and stroked harder. Then i had an idea, i leaned up against the wall put one foot up on a chair and continued to masturbate. my hips were rocking back and fort, i pinched my nipples a few times. With time i eventually came again, hard and a desperate cum it was. Yes, i pleated and begged before i came, a few times making myself wait and bringing me that much closer to the edge.

Thank You CLoud for allowing me to cum again.

i went to sleep that way, all sticky and wet.

Now i have a few things to attend to...

Exercises and no camping

2005-08-19T16:36:00.000-04:00

*smiles*
15 Sit-ups, 15 Crunches, 12 Stomach/Lower Back, and i finished my 20 Posture position. Also did my knee bends, have my second set to get through a little later.

Now i have to increase my water in take.

It is official, i am not going camping! The girls are a little bumbed out but that is not problem, will figure out something else to do.

...and the lightbulb clicks

2005-08-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

Every have a conversation with someone where you have an 'ah-ha' moment? That lightbulb lights up and shines brightly. That is what i had today, a huge one.

There was a comment by a new friend that said "you are better at exposing yourself to others then you realise*. When i first read that i was happy, then it hit, HARD. It was as if i had that slap in the face, as i did when i was a little girl (maybe 10 or so). i was not allowed to share my feelings or my thoughts with strangers or friends before. T/they were not family and only family should know things like that.

What a lightbulb moment! i remember being in the bathroom at my mother's hours, with that beige flowery wallpaper up, and the sink that was a shell shape made out of beige and tan marble. i even remember i didn't expect that back hand to come so quickly that it knocked me in the corner. i didn't hear much after that, i just knew what i had done was wrong. i wasn't allowed to share my feelings with a close friend. So from then on, i believed what i thought and what my feelings were, were not important. Why would they be if i wasn't allowed to share with O/others?

Look what i am doing now! Aye! Part of me cringes at the thought, the other part of me is proud that i can get over with the past, and yet that past still haunts me. The difference is, i am NOT allowing it to control me, that's CLoud's job now. i must and will do what He says.

He told me that my thoughts should go here, that P/people can read it at anytime. The more i 'hear' CLoud, the more that those voices cannot control me.

Was i abused as a child, no, i do not consider myself as an abused child. W/we all had to go through what W/we did. And i am truly sorry for T/those that were abused as a child, no one deserves that, No O/one! It was just her way, and she learned that from her father, who was very special to me....

So there's my lightbulb moment ....

A New Day

2005-08-19T07:57:00.000-04:00

i seem to be having more problems with having to empty my 'cookies' to be able to post anything, and when i do i still have to wait a while before being able to get in.

Last night i stretched, and in truth even though i did it for the amount of time that i am suppose to, i do not feel as though i have pushed myself enough. my legs do not hurt now as they normally do. i've been told that i need to stretch and have more flexibility to be able to do what CLoud wants me too.

There is one thing that i do not talk about when writing here and that is when i have to do my last pee outside. Off i went last night to do it, naked. It is getting cold out now at night, and it feels even colder when one is over tired. Going down the stairs is pretty tricky, i still do not have a 'nice' technique to do it. Will have to make sure that i ask CLoud if He could help me with spacifics. Now here's the fun part, splinters! Treated wood splinters are bad, bad, bad! So before going any further i came back inside (walked) got my tweezers and pulled out what i was able to. The rest i had to put mercurochrome and wait. Yes, i was wiggling in my chair waiting for the tiny splinters to make their way up, having to go pee! Just like a little girl at school in her chair bouncing a little. Within 10 minutes i was able to carefully pull out the rest.

Off i went once more outside, this time i did not crawl on the deck, i walked until i was on the grass then i crawled a little. Yes, this was all naked, i was cold, my nipples were hard, i had goose bumps everywhere, i found a spot and i went. Now to get into more detail, i just do not have aim! It is messy and of course i crawled back to the deck and felt the little trickle run down my leg. i knew i had to hurry and get inside for the lady next door would put out her dog soon, and she likes to stand on her patio watching.

When i got inside, i ran up to take my shower, nice and hot. Warming up my body and washing away all the little messes from crawling and urinating in my back yard. In the shower i had this image of, what would i do if a skunk appeared while i was outside on all fours. Don't scare it, i wouldn't want to be all that smelly!!

i dried most of my hair and went back to the patio doors, i had 52 wacks to give to myself with the hair brush. That was more then ever before. my pussy was very moist, and so i spread my legs wide while sitting on the edge of the chair. It was cold outside!! Goose bumps were appearing once again, and i knew this was a punishment. Punishment. *sighs softly* It finally hit me that this WAS a punishment for not accomplishing all 15 of each exercise. i did the first 30 hard and quick, even the tears welled up in my eyes. It hurt, it stung and it left this shakiness between my inner thighs. There was a short pause, with a deep breath to do the rest. They had to be done, and so i did the last 22 a little harder. The tears did not spill over.

i still had to do the 3 clothes pegs on each nipple. i closed the patio door, took the 6 clothes pegs and went in front of the mirror, i applied them carefully around my nipple. When the last one was on, i stood there, stairing at myself letting the pain drift into me. It wasn't bad over all, the pain was mild, expect for one on my left breast, the one closest to the bottom. That one was leaving me with a burning sensation. The two minutes came and gone as i stood there breathing to relax as i pretended i wasn't there alone walk i did this.

i did take them off the way they went on, expect it takes a lot less time to take them off. i did not rub my nipples, i didn't even touch them. i just looked at the little marks that it left behind.

Off to bed i went.

******************

To go back to my exercises for last evening, 13 Sit-ups, 15 Crunches, 20 Posture Positions, 6 Stomach/lower back. The knee bends are not so bad for my knee, although i cannot seem to put it back fully straight when doing these exercises. The 2 arm exercises are tough, it really burns although i do make it to the full 15.

And yes i succeeded to drink my water.

Now because it is morning, i have to go do some exercises. my pussy lips are still tingling from last night.

Sharing with someone new

2005-08-18T19:25:00.000-04:00

With CLoud's suggestion i have met a new friend. What a wonderful, articulate, thoughtful, creative person she is. Today, we have emailed each other a dozen or so times, so far. With everything going on and taking care of one of my gems (for the child is a little better then yesterday and is finally eating something), we take a quick minute to ask or answer the others questions.

she asked me earlier today what song best describes my personality. Oh boy! i thought to myself. If anyone knows me, and really knows me, they know that titles of songs, artists, i am mostly clueless about. Now a days there are several hundred artists up and coming everywhere a person turns around. So i ran down stairs (on thing that hasn't been packed and wont be packed until the last minute is the CD collection). i started to flip through some CD's, and got discouraged pretty quickly. i ran back upstairs and started googling lyrics and song artists that i do enjoy. Then all of a sudden it came to me, i am not just one type of personality, i am many things. *laughs*

That is when i remembered going to a Lilith Fair concert in Toronto, and another one in Montreal singing (yes i sang out loud with the crowd) to Bitch, by Meredith Brooks. That would best suit my personality. Another, close second is Blackbird by The Beatles. That is who i am within.

Thank you amy for forcing me to look at myself from within. The more i learn about this lifestyle, the more i have to look at the 'me' which was something i was not able to do before. The 'me' was pushed aside and every one else were the ones who became important.

Thank You CLoud for introducing us, she is truly a great person.

... and the drop finally starts

2005-08-18T16:58:00.000-04:00

Why is it that after one is soaring there must be a decent for a time? And why now?
This is a place where i am suppose to pour out my feelings and thoughts to allow Y/you all too see/read. That is exactly what i am doing for it is what He expects of me.

And so, the time to come down from the high i was on is now. i am not sure if i am over tired from taking care of both children yesterday, and the oldest one is still not well (although the doctor has said to ride it out when i called him this morning). i also pray that when seeing CLoud i did not pass any virsus onto Him while W/we spent time together on Tuesday. Two nights of not all that great sleep might be catching up to me thus why the decent.

my back, my arms, my legs, my thighs, everything seems like it weights more then before. Not only that, but yesterday it was suggested (by accident) that i should re-measure. i did one measurement, for i was excited to see for myself. Oh boy, bad mistake, Y/you guessed it, i'm bigger. i put the measuring tape away and did the chores i needed to get done as the gems were sleeping.

Could i be pmsing? yes! Though that is not a reason or excuse.

i did get my exercises done, i have no idea what i am not able to get all 15 Stomach and Lower Back done. my arms give out on me.... my concentration is shot. And my pussy will be feeling it tonight for my lack of self discipline. Serves me right, right? i only have done 5 this morning.

Even the intake of fluids is hard today. i feel more like i am in a daze, and one thing after another seems to be dropping around me. It will get better, it has to.

i have noticed that i am standing straighter from doing the Posture exercise. Those i can do without a problem. Although i have to remember how many i have done along the day as to not to miss out on any.

Sit-ups were more difficult, i wonder if i am doing them right. The directions (which i have re-read several times... showing my reading comprehension level here) do not seem to say that it is full sit-ups. my mucles feel it so i must be doing something to them. 10 were done.

The crunches are better, i have started to notice my breathing with them, although i do take a little break inbetween to get all 15 in.

So here i go again trying to do a push up. Is there any way that i can do one full one? my leeway of getting all 15 in without punishment is next Friday and my arms are just not cooperating.

Even though i haven't been to Wal-Mart yet for the weight wrist cuffs, i have been using cans to add some weight while doing them. i hope i can manage to get to Wal-Mart soon.

i still have a lot of work to do, things to think about and a story to write.

2 Clothes Pegs

2005-08-18T07:58:00.000-04:00

Last night i had to give myself 24 pussy smacks with the hairbrush. These punishments are making my pussy lips plumper and sore! It is a stinging sensation because it has to be done after my shower, and i am not allowed to dry myself there. i do not know if i am close to my menstrual cycle or not, though it seems that everything is extremely sensitive, or is it because of every night having to give them?

It was cold outside last night, and the grass was damp when i did my last pee of the night. i wanted, needed to get that done as quickly as possible. Is it me, or do things seem to slow down when you are hoping that it is over and done with? i still have lots of trouble to do the stairs while crawling, and have added another bruise to my leg because of it.

The hot water of the shower did me some good after going outside in the cold. Well it was cold for me, probably because i was exhausted from not sleeping a great day the night before because of my gems.

i also had to place two clothes pegs on either side of my nipples last night. *trying hard not to growl* i stood with my hands on my head and legs far apart once the last one was on. This isn't a pose that CLoud suggested, it is that i am trying to teach myself to stand still in that pose. Not an easy task with the new discomfort on my nipples. i watched the clock past one minute, i wanted them off though kept them on until the two minute mark. i took them off carefully, did not rub the pain away. i had to sit there and think for a time, mostly to slow down my breathing.

Now i must be off, have many things to take care of this day.

second set of exercises today

2005-08-17T23:17:00.000-04:00

It is late evening as i write this. Most of the day i have been taking of children that had caught a gastro (virus) and in between i did what i could with other things. Yes, life does get in the way with desires, however the gems in my life will always have priorty with situations like these.

And so tonight i did do the second set of exercises. Without adding excuses, i was already tired (physcially) and still something in me had to do at least some of the exercises. i did drink the required water amount of 3 Liters, though i am not sure how much more i drank too.
The crunches is what i start off with now, because of the angle they need to be at they can be done quickly. The only thing is i still have the problem of holding my breath, thus not being able to complete the full 15 without taking a little break. i did get all 15 in.
The sit-ups i got 12 done, at this point my stomach hurt and i was holding my breath once again.

i do have to practise that once more, maybe if i breathed with every second one it might be a little more helpful. i'll have to concentrate on that next time.

The stomach and lower back muscles, 6 was my total.

all of these were done in the nude with the window open and the cool air making my nipples erect.

all 20 posture positions were done.

Have also done my 20 minute stretching after the exercises. It is one of the best times to go and do them. Relaxes the muscles and a good way to calm ones breathing.

i have a few things to get done before bedtime.

CLoud, i hope that You have a wonderful weekend, with warm weather too.

Running Thoughts

2005-08-17T15:46:00.000-04:00

Picture a city bus that is extra long; the kind with the half bus attached to it. These are where my thoughts went to last night as i was masturbating and yet knowing i wasn't allowed to cum.

Before i entered the bus, the bus driver was staring at CLoud and i. *smiles* W/we were chatting before it was time to go, He told me that i wasn't allowed to sit on the bus, and He told me to flash the bus driver a few times. Of course i was blushing by the time i went on the bus. Now Y/you see what i didn't expect was that CLoud came on the bus with me. He sat in the back as He watched me stand there (getting all nervous of course). i waited while leaning onto the bar, until the bus driver looked at me in his mirror, as i smiled i exposed my breasts to him. He watched me for a moment before watching the road again. i could see his smile, in the meantime i wanted to see CLoud's face, though i didn't dare.

CLoud did come up behind me when i was about to flash the bus driver again, this time, CLoud made me keep my breasts out, He pulled and twisted them for a time, squeezing my breasts, i closed my eyes as i exhaled feeling His hands on me. CLoud attached clothes pegs on each nipple, to add to the pain, and my clit that was starting to throb, with each bump the bus went on, my breasts and the pegs would shake some more, adding more currents towards my moist pussy.

It was hard to hold my balance at times, when the bus turned a corner or two. i didn't dare look outside the windows to see if O/other drivers were peeking in. i was told to take the expection pose, so i put my hands on top of my head and spread my feet further apart. Since i was wearing a wrap around skirt, it was easy for CLoud to put His hand in and feel my pussy, He made a comment of how wet i was, as He removed His hand, i had to close my eyes for i didn't want Him to stop touching me. He put His fingers to my lips and told me to ask for me to clean them. i softly asked, "Please CLoud, may i clean Your fingers?" He stuffed them in my mouth, almost making me gag, i licked them clean.

CLoud undid my skirt and let it drop to the floor, He was behind me at this point, His hands caressing my skin, then He opened up my pussy lips, exposing my clit to the bus driver. i was blushing, and excited, i didn't want CLoud to stop, He stroked my clit a few times before attaching a clothes peg to the erect clit. i moaned, softly begging CLoud, begging Him to let me cum. i was denied, and with each time i pleated CLoud started to spank me, right then and there in front of the O/others.

i can remember the look in CLoud's eyes, actually i remember how He looked at me yesterday while W/we were T/together. i know this was only a fantasy, one that brought me close to cumming, although i did not, could not without CLoud's permission.

Thank You CLoud for allowing me to let me masturbate.

little update

2005-08-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

This morning, i did manage to get in my exercises. For all three, the sit-ups, the crunches and the stomach/lower back, i did all 15 of them!!! *grins* This time i had no doubts, it was something i needed to do for myself. i was in the middle of taking care of the children, when i thought i had to do it, no ifs, no buts and no excuses. i know i am suppose to do them naked when possible, well lately it hasn't been, though i will one day soon. i have lost track on how much water i have drank so far, but i know it is well over 2 liters so far. i have made a deal with the gems of the house, that with every cup they drink i have to drink one too. (not fun when they are both sick at the same time).

i did also do the knee bends a little after their nap, i know it is better to get all the exercises done at once, though i figured i would get one or two in, in between the cleaning i have to do.

i am happy that i did all 15 of these exercises. my arms are still sore from doing the stomach/'lower back and my ribs from front to back are telling me they had a good workout.

i still have to get to the store to buy wrists weights, but i am using two jars of spaghitti sauce to do the new arm exercises. One is the butterfly, 15 times and i am not sure how to call the other ones. They have left my arms shaking by the time it was over.

That was a little update to share. *smiles*

Pain Threshold

2005-08-17T08:49:00.000-04:00

When talking about pain in this lifestyle, i do not believe that i have a good amount of tolerance for it. i do not think that it is because i am placing a limitation upon myself, and yet i sit here knowing that the mixture of pleasure and pain is different.

Yesterday, there was a moment of pain (the burning kind) from having my nipple pinched, i was sitting still for a moment before that pain went through me. At that point, i wanted that burning sensation to go away and yet i did not want for CLoud to take His hand away, i did not want to displease Him. i sat there holding His wrist, (yes, i know not usual proper behavior for a submissive) and i did pleaded, (not sure if i was doing it in my head or outloud though). Y/you might wonder what i was pleading, well all i did was kept saying (or thinking) Please! Please what though? Please stop? Please don't stop? When i start going through those emotions, i get dizzy (in my mind), and that kind of confusion of which feeling is stronger. *hmmm* not sure how to explain it as of yet.

Last night i did have an assignment to put a clothes peg on each nipple for a minute or two. i played with my nipples a bit to get them hard before placing the clothes pegs on. On one went, to which i felt a twinge through to my clit, then on went the second one. Within 10 seconds, i felt that burning (more like crushing) sensation, so i concentrated on hearing CLoud's voice. i even convinced myself to stay still, i closed my eyes. At around 45 seconds my right nipple was hurting a great deal and my left nipple was not so bad. i took them both off at 80 seconds, at that point i was horny and frustrated.

The one thing i do know is that each clothes peg has a different strength to the way it closes, perhaps that is the reason why one hurt more then the other last night. Not sure, although tonight i get to do more of the clothes pegs.

i had another assignment to do also though that is for another blog.

Dark Nights

2005-08-17T02:03:00.000-04:00

Y/you might ask what am i doing up at this hour of the night/morning. Well i have a little one that is sick, and while she is asleep at the moment, i thought of writing a little something before i tucked myself on the floor by her ... little ones that are sick will always get my attention.

Tonight is a dark night, can hear the grasshoppers out side, and even an owl in the near distance. Gives a girl time to think and relax. Yes that word again, relax. i have never truly understood whhy that word has done the opposite to me. Sometimes i have been better off working up a storm before falling asleep and waking up to a new light.

i do have something i wish to talk about. Mood swings,is it a part of life that W/we all need to just accept, or is there somethng that W/we can do about it. Some females, whether Dominante or submissives have chemical imbalance before or after their menstrual cycle, some W/women have it throughout menopause. Even though i have talked with my GP about this on several occasions, it never seems that he'cares' about them. i've been doing some meditation, and breathing exercises to help me stay focus and not get upset too easily about certain things in my life. Yes, there are somethings that become overwhelming, that i would rather not choose for myself, although i must. Doing this does empower me though, i do not see that until the decisions have been made and are finalized. i believe that exercising helps to balance some of the chemicals within O/ones body, most of all it has given me more energy to do things.

i did stretch tonight, my legs were against me though, maybe the new squats that i have to do had something about it. Who knows, i'm just hoping that the stretching will help to increase muscles.. i know it has been sending more oxgyn to them.

.....

Ok, back.. am going to stay beside the little one once again. The perks of life. *smiles gently*

First Time

2005-08-16T20:49:00.000-04:00

Today i am horny, which is putting things mildly. After keeping my hands in one place, getting my hair pulled, tugged and placed exactly where it was meant to...Having fingers caressed my skin, exploring how wet i was, getting my nipples pinched, there are a few things i am leaving out,.... Oh wait, one last thing (but it is certainly not the least) *blushes* having my hair tugged that way before O/our meeting was over, a toe curling, breath taken away (ok, it was better than all that) kind of kiss. All i can say is Oh my! What a surprise and something to think about on the bus ride home.

i was given goals to do within in the next coming year. A little overwhelming at first, and made me nervous though i have accepted them. Have new exercises to do also, which the arm ones are going to be a doozy at first, and will make my arms sore the day after, but it is all good. One exercise that is new is push ups. i D R E A D doing them, even in elementary school i never really knew how to do them. i do have a leeway until next Friday before i get the smacks for them. All it takes is doing one at a time *crosses fingers*.

i have come to realise that when something makes me really uncomfortable i become nervous to the point of being agitated.

How to relax... something i must learn, no choice about it. Learning how to breath and concentrate on Someones voice is a very useful tool. There are certain things that i would prefer not to think about though have been given the task to think about them. The reason why i do not think about them, such as being naked in front of O/others, is because i was always taught that it wasn't proper behavior. i must turn off that voice and start trusting more. It is frustrating though, for it brings much confusion within.

Most of my day i have been primering walls, my mother decided to plaster once again (over placed that i did paint). Fun! Not really, just something i have to get done. i do have a headache (not a migraine) i believe the paint fumes are getting to me. i'm going to go relax a little with my children and if i am feeling better i have certain new tasks to attend to.

*squirms at the thought*

CLoud, thank You for meeting me this morning, there are so many things that i do need to learn and it is my wish to be able to please You. Everything with You is a learning experience, even when You caught me off guard on that escalator. *blushes* i'll have to learn not to react like that. Thank You CLoud.

A Restless Night

2005-08-16T07:14:00.000-04:00

Last night i had a lot to do in little time. i was to be off the computer by 11:30pm and in bed by 12:30am. i took a nice warm shower, made sure that everything was freshly shaven (ingrown hairs...not good), also had to dry my hair before bed, (which can take a half hour in this humidity). i had just enough time to fit in my stretching too. Thankfully!

It was a restless night, going to meet CLoud in a little while, and yes, i'm nervous/anxious. i cannot wait to see Him again. It has been a while, though whose fault is that, my own, n'est pas?

i have my sentence ready to be given to Him, i took my time doing them so that i would be readable.

i did my exercises this morning, 15 sit ups and 15 crunches! now here's the hard part to admit, i only did 5 stomach and lower back. my stomach muscles were strained to say the least and my arms were shaking a great deal. i have to work on those more. Last but not least i have done 3 Posture poses so far.

i have sat here typing this as my nail polish dries, and drank a full bottle of water (500ml).

Time go get going....

Stables and Feelings

2005-08-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

Being in a Stable is very new to me, not only is that new, but every day i am learning new things. Is there jealousy in a Stable, probably at some point someone gets jealous. How it is handled is what matters. E/everyone has a place where they belong, either in a stable or not. Some P/people like to have play partners O/others it is One on one.

This is the thing that i am starting to accept for myself, i am me and as much as i will grow and change in being in CLouds Stable, i am still me, property to Him. It would not be pleasing to Him if His property were not able to accept eachother. Isn't the whole point to please His desires?

It is possible that there will be a time that i am jealous of another. It is a humam emotion, but it is up to me not to let it feed me. i have to be open and honest with CLoud with everything. i also know and understand that someone new to His Stable would get more attention then any other. It is to make that person feel welcomed and comfortable.

These are all things that are still new to me. i have no idea what could or would happen in the future, all i can do is do my best. i also have to say that there are times He might enjoy a little challenge between those that belong to Him. He might sit back and watch who would take charge of something and try to over power the others. In the end, it is still up to Him.

He has always told me that He likes and is interested in stallions, ... only in time would He know if a person is a true stallion for His Stable...

Like everything in life, you have to take what is given to you and make the best out of it... it is what you do that counts.

Long day

2005-08-15T23:02:00.000-04:00

littone asked why tan lines are bad, my response would be they aren't for most people. Maybe i was so use to looking at my body without tan lines that now that i do have them, i'm not use to the change. It isn't a horrible thing to look at it is more that i do not like them, that could possibly change soon enough.
f
my exercises today were tough, i still didn't get them all done though. For the sit ups 12 is where i stopped (again). It is becoming frustrating that i cannot get them all done. i know that i am out of shape, and hopefully soon i'll be able to get them all done. The crunches were bad, i have this habit of holding my breath while doing them. Not really sure as to when to breath properly. i made it to 9 before collasping. The standing Posture is fun to do, can do it at anytime, even while talking with someone (all 20 were done throughout the day). Last but not least, the Stomach and Lower back, i can hold the first 8 for 15 seconds and my arms are burning by that time. my knee hurts for this exercise, not really sure as to why though. i managed to get 10 in total.

i am off to do my stretching now... and drink the last drops of the 3 liters of water for today.

Most of my day has been painting, primering, painting, and most painting.

i have a blog to send out before i leave tomorrow too, and have to make sure that everything is in perfect order.

have a good night...

The Mirror

2005-08-15T08:24:00.000-04:00

Before i start, i have to say that things look different when one has a headache.

As i look at myself, naked in front of the mirror, i started with my hair. It is dark brown and long, touching the small of my back. It has taken me almost two years to let it grow to the length that it is. i love it! i do have bangs which frame my face, though i have to say that 'no bangs' never really suited me in the past. my hair is not totally straight, nor is it wavy, it what it is. i have to admit that i do have gray hair, although every couple of weeks i do a touch up to cover them. i still love my hair though, even though i need to get it restyled for it is getting a little too heavy.

i have little freckles on my face, almond shape hazel (green/brown) eyes. i do pluck my eyebrows so they show my eyes more. my lips are the color of dark pink, small in their own way, and why i smile, it is usually a shy smile.

my neck is average, and my shoulders are soft, not necessairly broad and not small either. i have gotten a tan this summer, so the skin is not as pale as it us to be. Tan lines are not the greatest thing though because they stop on my chest and leave my breasts a milk white. my breasts are more then a handful, not firm but the squishy kind. They have their own qualities in itself, i've (mostly) always enjoyed being proud of having them. my belly button is an inney and my stomach has stretch marks from both of my pregnancies. i do have a little birth mark that appeared a few years ago on the right side of my stomach/pelvis.

The outter lips to the vagina are plump, i haven't noticed until now just how plump they are, nice looking if i may say so. The fact that i am slowly caressing my skin as i look in the mirror adds to what i see. Even though i am of a larger weight, i still have an hour glass figure (not perfect) though it is a great thing to have. i have always had hips, which i inherited from my grandmothers side of the family. my thighs are soft, have a few bruises and veins that have popped over the years. my calfs are 'there', they use to be really strong from all the jumping rope i did as a child and teenager. last but not least my feet. Depending what kind of shoe i wear between a 7 & 8, toenails have been painted pink.. and i have a tan line on my feet too! Something i wll have to work on to get rid of soon.

Until next week when i look into the mirror and see what i can find that i love...

Migraines

2005-08-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday i had one of my migraine attackes. Why do i call them an attack, well simple enough, they come on that strong without too much notice. i took two Advil Migraines at the beginning of it all. Two hours after that, nothing! i was laying down in a very dark, very quiet room wishing that the birds would stop singing out side the window.

i hope that no O/one ever has to go through something like that. Usually, (i wont be too graphic) it helps when a person vomits, i can say no, not yesterday. i'm not sure why it started, i wasn't under pressure for something. And my orders were to relax all weekend. i haven't seen my children since yesterday early afternoon and hopefully i can make up to them for not going to the Parc.

This morning when i did wake up, i panicked because i hadn't done my mirror task, (which i didn't blog either). So i did it right when i got out of bed (looked in the mirror) which i will blog in just a moment.

i took a walk this morning for 45 minutes. i needed to clear my mind and force myself not to worry about something that i was not in control of. A lingering headache is still around, although i am sure it will all go away soon enough.

Oh, i am suppose to write how much water intake i have per day, i do know i had 2L but after i passed out on the bed, i do not recall how much i drank. i did have a bottle of water that was empty this morning.

Ok, so i am off to do the other blog, and i also have to make a todo list.

Oops, one last thing before i forget. It was dark when i took a shower, which i also took in the dark.. i did not shave, so that is something i need to get done today. i've got a lot of things to catch up on it seems.

Clammy Weather

2005-08-14T08:56:00.000-04:00

The rain fell a little this morning, and they are calling for more throughout the day. i am suppose to go to a wildlife/zoo park, i wonder if others will call at the last minute and cancel.

Yesterday was a hectic day in itself. my mother notified me that she was going to start painting the rooms in the house. Why does she not ever plan things ahead of time? Always leaving everyone to change their plans because of her 'wants'. Off we went to Sears to check out pain colors. It didn't take long at all to choose them, i knew what she had in mind and gave her a few tones to choose from. Of course there was no sales person around to help us, after asking the female sales person who was in another department, she decided to take her time. Nice, eh? 15 minutes of watching her play with her cash and chat on the phone, we decided to leave. Well i thought we were leaving, my mother chose to put in a formal complaint.

Ended up at HomeDepot and bought everything we needed. By now it was just past one, and we still had to move funiture. In the end, we scraped a few places, plastered and sanded a bedroom,, the enterance way and one hallway. The ceilings are done, and primed the walls.

Today i have been told to relax. That is one word that usually puts more stress on me then anything. Even though i am a novice, i do know not to go against what i have been told. And honestly, that is one punishment i do not wish to go through. i will do my best to relax, actually i will make sure to have fun.

i have a new instruction: to state how much water i drink throughout the day. my goal is to drink 3Liters of water. It is one of the better ways to cleans out the toxins in the body on a daily basis.

Tonight i get to blog about looking in the mirror. i am excited to do this, it has been a while that i have checked out everything. It will be done late in the evening for i have to wait until the children are asleep. Maybe this time i will not be so shy to look.

Last night i was told to take a warm shower before going to bed, which i did. Though i had a time frame to get it in by, i also had to make sure that my hair was dry before putting my head on the pillow. Oh boy! It takes me between 20-30 minutes to do this, and not something i always do in the summer time. Everything was done with only a few minutes to spare.

i fell asleep knowing i wasn't allowed to play with myself, and my clit was begin for attention. Somehow falling asleep with that in mind made me wake up with a stronger urge.

i leave in 35 minutes for the park....Will be an interesting day.

Pounces and Hugs

2005-08-13T08:02:00.000-04:00

Waking up to 'quiet' pounces and hugs is a great feeling. Although i am still tired from going to the hospital last night, and did not come back until early this morning, ... Y/you wont see me refuse that kind of attention from two amazing kids.

So i am here, a little crossed eyed still and very grateful they woke me up in time to do this entry. i can say that my muscles are trying to work against me, and protesting the attention i gave to them yesterday. A hot shower will help sooth them, at least for a time.

i'd like to take the time to say thank You to the Dominant person in my life who has taken me under His wing. i am very grateful for everything He is teaching and training me to do. i know that it takes a lot of energy, time, planning, even attention to show a novice such as myself what are His thoughts/desires or/and anything inbetween.

He is one of the very few who knows of the darkness that is within me. With time i believe that He will discover more of it, and in truth, He understands my darkness... He pushes me to see it and accept it. i might not say this everyday, i might even hide from it for i do not understand and yet He has been standing a step a head of me each time there has been a new discovery.

Ever since i have met Him, i was comfortable in sharing myself with Him. Yes, at the beginning W/we were two P/people only discussing things, then in my mind He became my Friend. The trust was built even stronger then, and more windows were being opened. i know there is a difference between a Person who is a friend, and One who has become my Trainer. Instead of me discussing what i would like to (and keep barriers), now i have to open up to everything, state what is going on in my mind. A hard step for me, and yet He makes it easier somehow.

A question was asked, "Why now?" The way i can answer this, which O/others might not understand. Though it was like tunnel vision. There is no chaotic silence (the voices in ones head saying all the doubts, or disagreeing with what is/might happen. The voice of society to be a 'good little girl' to their standards) when i hear His voice, it is just Him. i still have a mind of my own, although it does at times shut down just to 'listen' to Him. This is a very good thing, and it is something i tried to fight a few times.

Thank You CLoud. i have to agree with Your friend, i'm one lucky pup!

Second Time

2005-08-12T16:57:00.000-04:00

Before starting the exercises again, i re-read the comment that CLoud posted from earlier today. i truly understand His point of view, and He is encouraging me to go on. Thank You for that CLoud.

This time around, i placed my feet under the couch, so i do not use my legs to move up and cheat. Then again it isn't cheating it is harming everything else in the process. i did 9 sit-ups then realised i was holding my breath that whole time! Not good. i have to learn when to breath during these exercises. So many things to think about. Then i did the last 6, well, in 2 reps of 3. Even though i did get them done, there wasn't a consistancy, does this matter? It did not take me 5 minutes to start, nor did i take major breaks inbetween.

Off to the crunches, i did them once, i can do them again, right? Not this time, i ended up getting 6 done then collasped on the floor. my back muscles, and my abs were B U R N I N G. i tried to get back into the position, nope, my body was not complying with my mind. Odd thing, the area around my tailbone hurt. Was i not doing it right, or is it that i am out of shape. It literally feels like i have a bruise in that area...Got to suffer for beauty, right?

i did do 6 other Standing Positions, which isn't all that hard, though i understand the concept of it. i also think of how i sit while writing this blog. Posture is everything, so i tilt the pelvis just a little, makes a whole lot of difference.

Now onto the last exercise, the stomach and lower back one. To get into a comfortable position, i started by going on my hands and knees... Ouchie!!! my knees are not use to having the weight or attention on them. i managed to get 8 done before the tears started to fall. It was too much pain on my right knee, and my arms were shaking like a leaf.

i hope i will do better tomorrow. This is my first day after all, and no matter what doing this everyday will start getting me back into shape.

Off to taking care of His pup...

Exercise Plan & first attempt

2005-08-12T11:29:00.000-04:00

i have been given an Exercise Plan, which consists of:
Sit-ups: 15 times, twice a day
Crunches: 15 times, twice a day
Stomach and Lower Back: hold position for 15 seconds, 15 times, twice a day
This position is: lay on your stomach, put hands beside your chest, lift yourself with hands and knees, and pull in your belly button towards your spine.
Posture: stand with back on a wall, feet a little apart. If there is a gap in the lower back, tilt your pelvic out until the gap is smaller. Have to hold this position for a minute each time and do 20 a day.

If and when possible, do these naked.

i started my first session of this Exercise Plan at 9:40am. i did not think it would be so overwhelming to do it the first time around. As i layed there thinking (more like doubting everything) i had to let out the emotional baggage that i was holding back. About ten minutes later i started to do it.

The Sit-ups were not the easiest thing to do, actually they were a killer to do. With each rep i was trying to encourage myself to continue, i made it to 12. my body hurt, and i lost my focus. There was perhaps too much of a pause inbetween each one that i did.

The crunches as hard as they are took a lot less time then the sit-ups. i did all 15 of them.

For the stomach and lower back, i managed to do 10. my arms were shaking by that time.

Once again i curled myself up and let the tears go. Some old habits are hard to die, though i must change the way i think and not say/ or convince myself that i cannot do it... that it isn't worth it to try. It is worth something, i will be getting my body / health and mind back into shape!

So far i have done 7 Posture positions, i have 13 to do before tonight.

Writing about this experience is humiliating in its own way, though perhaps it will inspire me to do better next time. That, and i am not looking forward to the punishments, i do not wish to disappoint CLoud.

Truth be Told

2005-08-12T08:35:00.000-04:00

A few days ago a new world opened up for me, and now instead of watching things from the sidelines, i am actually in it. i must thank CLoud who is the One training me. It takes a lot of time, energy and patience to do what He does. This is the beginning of O/our journey, and i have a great deal to learn.

What has been on my mind is, when do i ask questions? i know there is a time He allows me to freely talk about things, what about other times when i am unsure about His instructions? There are somethings that i will learn in time exactly what He means and other times He may choose to change it.

Last night i was told to be a good girl. What perfect timing too! my children's father was about and trying my last nerve. It was easier to follow my instructions then to fall into the trap of the ex.

Anyhow, i took a walk to the other house to be able to get some sleep, knowing there was no way that i was able to do my tasks while he was around. Once there, i did my 20 minute stretch exercises, which i was feeling at the end of it. i believe in a week or two from now my muscles will be starting to adjust to all of this attention, which is a very good thing.

After that i took my shower, scrubbing every part of my body. It was the first time i really noticed my tan lines, something i was trying to avoid this summer. i dried myself, then applied the lotion everywhere, paying extra attention to my feet. They say the best pedicure anyone can give themselves is walking on sand. i checked my nails, having to do a whole new coat so that it is all even.

So i headed downstairs to 'my room'. A little crowded still with things that have to be moved, however it is not my choice... its not my house. i had 15 smacks to give to my pussy lips. i was not looking foward to them this time as i had the night before. i took my time brushing my hair with the brush letting the anticipation get to me. When finished doing that, i dried the brush as best as i could and sat at the end of the bed spreading my legs apart. i thought to myself "its now or never", the first 10 strokes were harder then i had done it before, my lips, clit and everything else was burning, i took a breath before giving the last five in even strokes, a little slower then the last set, yet a little harder. i sat there dazed for a while, not really sure how long. i was amazed that i was doing this to myself. In the past when i tried to experiment with things, i was scared to put the strength behind it, now, it is simply something i must do. There is no choice in it, perhaps there is, though i do not choose to disappoint CLoud in any way.

Tonight, i was told to take the brush with me to bed and masturbate.

People would think i should be jumping for joy, and in reality i didn't become enthused, i fell into a trap of questions. i did not know what exactly this meant, and i did not know how to ask either. This little pup went through a little anxiety attack. All i saw for a time was disappointing Him, for A) i did not ask to clearify B) i did not do what was told.

i calmed myself down by taking cleansing breaths, while laying down on the bed. No matter what this would be a learning experience. i placed the brush on my belly, just knowing it was close to my lips made it ache all the more. It's amazing how the genitals have thier own mind, they can react even though we are telling ourselves the opposite.

i took my time masturbating, concentrating on the sore clit. Little circular motions, stopping a few times to feel how wet i was getting, the more i rubbed the little sore spot, the more attention i needed. Once in a while i would softly touch the outer lips, that tingling sensation is a new one. A light mixture of pleasure and pain. i brought myself close, very close, although i did not cum.

i wasn't instructed to cum, or was i? See just another thing i didn't make certain of what He meant. Should have i used the brush handle to masturbate, or use it to insert inside of me?

i was never good at thinking on the spot. Couldn't i have just said something like, "CLoud, could You please clearify what that means?" i am still worried about all this, and perhaps being a too hard with my thoughts.

This morning i was up at 6am still thinking and kicking myself in the butt. i took a long walk before coming to get the children and writing my experience of last night. Have my to do list to do now.

Doubt and self doubt are bad things, and a habit that needs to die.

i'm sorry CLoud, for not asking You to explain what You meant.

i'm sorry CLoud for not being upfront and saying i didn't understand.

i'm sorry CLoud for punishing myself (mentally) without Your permission.

Measurements vs Goals

2005-08-11T14:49:00.000-04:00

i was asked to weight myself and have my measurements done. The goal is to go back down to 140lbs, a healthy weight and still be able to have that hour glass figure.

my weight today is 203lbs
Measurements:
Neck: 36 cm
Right Bicep: 36 cm
Left Bicep: 36.3 cm
Shoulders: 110.5 cm
Chest: 102.5 cm
Chest/Breasts: 113.4 cm
Waist (bellybotton): 112.4 cm
Pelvic: 124 cm
Hips: 117 cm
Right Thigh: 68.5 cm
Left Thigh: 68.4 cm
Right Calf: 40 cm
Left Calf: 39.8 cm

In two weeks i have to post the new measurements and weight. W/we'll see what happens then.

Caged

Manners, or is it just me???

~confusion~

Oh baby, Baby...!

Spring and everything that goes with it

A Brand New Year....

A Better Future

this is for Smith

The Joys of Life

Friends

Mirror... behind

Imagine

The babygirl in me...

Flurries

Shredded Wheat

Ahhhh The Mirror

Tonight

Ol' Measurements

Thank You CLoud

Days passing by

Chilly night in the mirror

The beast

"She"

Who judges success?

Realities of the Naked truth

oh me, oh my...

Here's to what goes up...

In the books

Last nights mirror

The Underground World, not Y/yours but mine...

What about some Zzz's

Mirror Mirror on the wall...

l a t e!!! measurements

Sleepless nights

The eye of the beholder

...today...

nights turning into days

TGIF

oh!

Time to get back on track

9 Tries and other stuff

Thank You CLoud

G'morning

*peeks in*

Aye!!

**smiles**

A Lovely Cane

A Hectic Night

Concert and The Mirror

Hair Brush and Cookies

Little changes along the way

Measurements update

When it rains, it pours!

morning exercises

Sweet Soft Dreams

Late Night

G'morning

oh!!

Cathing Up

Last nights exercises

Playing with...

A Long Walk

Daily Diary

Lions and Tigers and Bears

Daily Exercises

Pampering

a little something...

a good day

Elevators

update on exercises

lil quicky blog

Learning

morning exercises

The Mirror

A Wonderful,Tiring Day

exercise results

Missing You

Waking up Late

Exercises and no camping

...and the lightbulb clicks

peeks in

smiles